Me: Did you recognize your quotes in the book of quotes? Wife: Yes. They all said “wife”. Me: Right. I forgot. Me: What was that look? Wife: The “I’m gonna beat you.” Wife: If this childbirth thing isn't as bad as I think it is we’re gonna have like 5 kids. Me: If this PARENTING thing isn't as bad as I think it is, we’re gonna have like 5 kids. Woman: Do you know of any good outside areas to take pictures? Photographer: Not right now. Woman: I fee like you’re just anti-outside because it’s cold. Photographer: Not really. I’m just anti-death. Woman #1: These people angry me! I can’t even talk right. Woman #2: If you’re gonna get hot you gotta be grammatically correct. Me: You know what’s funny? You and my ex...that was a weird set up. Wife: It wasn’t. But that pause definitely was. Pregnant wife: That would go well with a glass of wine. Me: Want one? Pregnant wife: Yes. Me: I was joking. Pregnant wife: So was I. Me: No you weren’t. Pregnant wife: I wasn’t. Woman: Sis, lemme tell you how God saved your life. Remember that time we were gonna hang out, but we couldn’t because my mom took my car? Turns out I had COVID. Me: Here’s another song they translated into Spanish. Why do they keep doing this when there are so many other songs that are more spanishable? Puerto Rican woman: I don’t know if I’m more mad that they changed the song or that you said “spanishable”. Woman: Every night I think you’re crying yourself to sleep. But you're just laughing on TikTok. Woman(scrolling through Instagram): There’s Michael B. Jordan playing in the snow with his girlfriend...without me. Guy #1: I need some advice. Not about anything in particular. Give me random advice. Me: If you clip your toenails over a garbage can you don’t have to worry about clean up. Guy #2: This is some Oogway level wisdom here. Guy: This lactose cheese is 2 for $1. Woman: Really? Guy: Yes. But it's only 2 for 1 if you go to self-checkout, put them together, and scan one. Me: Are you ready? Guy: I'm as ready as Trump is for the inauguration. Me: What? Guy: I committed. I didn't care if it made sense or not. Woman: Bye, 2020. You f***ing weirdo.