Guy: I’m still a little sick. You want a hug?
Me: No thanks.
Woman: I’m hugging you with my brain.
Me: There’s the guy who reminds me of someone but I don’t know who.
Wife: Oh I see what you’re saying.
Me: Yeah? Do you see who he reminds you of?
Wife: No. What?
Me: Wait. What were you talking about?
Wife…I don’t know.
Woman: This just means I need silence.
Me: As he plays the drums behind you.
Woman: It’s not even the drums. I just need to be in a room without other people’s heartbeats.
Me: Who are you? Superman?
Me: We’re not pregnant.
Dad: What do you mean “we’re” not pregnant? SHE’s not pregnant.
Woman: Our friend’s daughter is in a middle school play this weekend.
Me: Ahhh. I can’t come. I’m preaching at a retreat.
Woman: I wish you were more committed, Emmanuel.
Wife: You do this thing sometimes where you raise your voice. I’m gonna need you to stop.
Wife: Sorry. I’m hyper and disrespectful because my friends are here.
Me: How old are you?
Me: You should come to the caf. There are really good burgers tonight.
Woman: Hmmmm. Believing that is the hardest faith moment I’ve ever been through.
Me: I wanna walk up to a random student and take a fry just for fun.
2 minutes later
Black student: Yo what are you doing?!
Me: Sorry. I was just telling my wife I wanna take a fry from a random student.
Black student: Not from a black student!
Man: Do you mind if I add “featured in The Books of Quotes multiple times” to my resume?
Guy: How do you respond to people saying ‘How do you support Tom Brady with things like deflate gate?’
Me: Depends on who it is. If they’re a Trump supporter that’s easy.
Drops trash in woman’s cup
Woman: So now I’m a trashman?
Me: First of all you’d be a trashwoman.
Woman: Why can’t I be a trashman? Nobody asked me for my pronouns.
Guy: That could be eraser shavings or it could be rat poo. And since I’m from queens I know that’s dangerous.
Woman: You’re gonna relish these 3 weeks that I’ll be older than you. I’m sure you have plenty of jokes ready for me.
Guy: No. I don’t make fun of old people.
Woman #1: How do we know that owls are wise?
Woman #2: Have you watched Winnie the Pooh?
Guy: People were roasting me for not knowing where Oklahoma was.
Me: You should’ve asked them if they knew where South Dakota is.
Wife: I know where South Dakota is.
Wife: Under North Dakota.
Woman: It’s almost 10 p.m. and I just got sad because I realized I may not be in the Book of Quotes.
Me: No. Trust me. You will.
Woman: Amen. That’s how I know God loves me.
Woman: The tea isn’t as bad as I thought.
Me: Cuz you put sugar in it.
Woman: Oh. Right.
Guy: At least you didn’t get stuck playing Dungeons and Dragons.
Woman: I would’ve rather been the Dungeon Master.
Guy: The fact that you know what that is is disturbing.
Me: You know what? I’m gonna mind my business.
Woman: That’s smart.
Me: There needs to be an American virus so the rest of the world can get treated the way we’re treating people now.
Asian woman: Like Racism?
Me: For April people who recover from corona need to get superpowers. That needs to be the silver lining we get.
Woman #1: Right!
Me: At the very least people need to get tails.
Woman #1: What?
Me: Think of the possibilities.
Woman #1: Please. Explain.
Me: Fashion. You can have a tail tie, a little tail necklace—a tail-lace. You can have a hole in your dress for it to come out or you can let it come down the side through a slit. As a guy I could put a ring on it, I could dip it in water then stick it in my wife’s ear for a tail willie. And I could hang from things.
Woman #1: Hanging would be cool.
Woman #2: Yeah now we’re on board.
Me: I should’ve led with that.
Child: Isn’t Song of Solomon a Psalm about boobs?
Dad: Looks like I have some discipling to do.
Me: How’s the baby?
New father: I’m pretty sure she’s the best baby ever. I mean, we’ve hung out with other babies and…they suck.
Me: I just don’t understand the toilet paper shortage.
Woman: If you’re quarantined for 2 weeks you won’t be able to go out and buy more toilet paper.
Me: But 2 packs? What are you eating? Just milk and cheese? Are you sitting on the toilet for 14 days straight?
Guy: That’s what I’m gonna do. Naked quarantine.