Me: Oh wow it looks different.
Wife: Netflix said “New year who dis?”
Woman: North Jersey is like New York. South Jersey is like Philly.
Me: And then depending who you talk to some people believe in central jersey.
New Jersey man: It’s a myth. Like Atlantis.
Woman: People usually assume I dance because I’m wild. But I don’t. I’m just wild.
Me: So you’re gonna just walk in deception?
Guy: They didn’t ask the question so it’s not deception. And it rhymes so you know it’s true.
White woman: My coworkers seriously think my name is Becky and it takes everything in me not to say “With the good hair?”
Woman #1: I’m having a worship concert. You should come.
Woman #2: How you having worship concerts and have no album?
Woman #1: People do that.
Me: What you should be asking is how she’s writing songs and not releasing them.
Woman #1: That would be a better a question. And then I would say “Mind your business.”
Me: That’s a Catholic church. It’s named Saint Peter and Saint Paul. Named after Peter and Paul in the Bible.
Woman: You sure? You sure it’s not Paul from the Beatles?
Me: Do you want anything to drink? I can get you a water bottle.
Wife: No I already have one.
5 minutes and no sips later
Wife: Can you get me a water bottle?
Woman: I don’t know why I keep annoying you guys. Maybe it’s because I miss you.
Woman: Relax. I said maybe.
(Reading enneagram posts on instagram)
One: “Enneagram types before going to bed…” These things never get me. “One: Could I have done a better job on…” Oh wait. Never mind.
Woman: I got my enneagram thought of the day!
Guy: That is the most Christian thing I’ve heard all day.
Woman #1: Can I ride the dog?
Woman #2: I don’t think it will be consensual. But thanks for asking. You can pet her though.
Woman: I missed you guys.
Woman: I changed my mind. I only missed Yolanda.
Woman: I love Drake’s “Nonstop”. I feel pregnant after listening to that song.
Guy: Quick question: if you found out someone prepared and crafted a quote for your book would you take them out of the book? Asking for a friend.
Reading the Book of Quotes
Wife: Was that me?
Wife: Why did you say “woman”? Why didn’t you say “wife”? People need to know I’m funny.
Me: Just be yourself with him.
Woman: But remember he’s rich so don’t act too dumb.
Guy #1: Who was the guy who drew the macabre cartoons for Playboy?
Guy #2: I only read it for the articles.
Me: Did you stretch?
Me: Let’s stretch.
Wife: Ok baby.
Silence. Literally not a single word.
Wife: See this is why I don’t submit. Cuz you make such a big deal out of it.
Woman: I realized the other day when I went to Best Buy I saw someone famous.
Woman: He wrote a book. You were talking about him the other day. Chesterton.
Me: G.K. Chesterton? He’s very very dead.
Woman: See? I can be funny.
Guy: This wine is really really dry. You shouldn’t drink it by itself but it goes well with fish.
Me: What kind of torture did someone have to go through to find that out? That sounds like a slave got thrown in a cell and they gave him dry wine to drink then tossed in a fish and he was like “Actually? This isn’t too bad.”
Woman: When I compare myself to you I don’t think I’ve done anything.
Woman: I mean you were a missionary—
Guy: You’ve given birth four times!