The Book of Quotes: Winter 2020 Part 1

 

On Netflix

Me: Oh wow it looks different.

Wife: Netflix said “New year who dis?”

 

Woman: North Jersey is like New York. South Jersey is like Philly.

Me: And then depending who you talk to some people believe in central jersey.

New Jersey man: It’s a myth. Like Atlantis.

 

Woman: People usually assume I dance because I’m wild. But I don’t. I’m just wild.

Me: So you’re gonna just walk in deception?

Guy: They didn’t ask the question so it’s not deception. And it rhymes so you know it’s true.

 

White woman: My coworkers seriously think my name is Becky and it takes everything in me not to say “With the good hair?”

 

Woman #1: I’m having a worship concert. You should come.

Woman #2: How you having worship concerts and have no album?

Woman #1: People do that.

Me: What you should be asking is how she’s writing songs and not releasing them.

Woman #1: That would be a better a question. And then I would say “Mind your business.”

 

Me: That’s a Catholic church. It’s named Saint Peter and Saint Paul. Named after Peter and Paul in the Bible.

Woman: You sure? You sure it’s not Paul from the Beatles?

 

Me: Do you want anything to drink? I can get you a water bottle.

Wife: No I already have one.

5 minutes and no sips later

Wife: Can you get me a water bottle?

 

Woman: I don’t know why I keep annoying you guys. Maybe it’s because I miss you.

Me: Awwww.

Woman: Relax. I said maybe.

 

(Reading enneagram posts on instagram)

One: “Enneagram types before going to bed…” These things never get me. “One: Could I have done a better job on…” Oh wait. Never mind.

 

Woman: I got my enneagram thought of the day!

Guy: That is the most Christian thing I’ve heard all day.

 

Woman #1: Can I ride the dog?

Woman #2: I don’t think it will be consensual. But thanks for asking. You can pet her though.

 

Woman: I missed you guys.

Me: Awwww.

Woman: I changed my mind. I only missed Yolanda.

 

Woman: I love Drake’s “Nonstop”. I feel  pregnant after listening to that song.

 

Guy: Quick question: if you found out someone prepared and crafted a quote for your book would you take them out of the book? Asking for a friend.

 

Reading the Book of Quotes

Wife: Was that me?

Me: Yeah.

Wife: Why did you say “woman”? Why didn’t you say “wife”? People need to know I’m funny.

 

Me: Just be yourself with him.

Woman: But remember he’s rich so don’t act too dumb.

 

Guy #1: Who was the guy who drew the macabre cartoons for Playboy?

Guy #2: I only read it for the articles.

 

Working out

Me: Did you stretch?

Wife: No.

Me: Let’s stretch.

Wife: Ok baby.

Silence. Literally not a single word.

Wife: See this is why I don’t submit. Cuz you make such a big deal out of it.

 

Woman: I realized the other day when I went to Best Buy I saw someone famous.

Me: Who?

Woman: He wrote a book. You were talking about him the other day. Chesterton.

Me: G.K. Chesterton? He’s very very dead.

Woman: See? I can be funny.

 

Guy: This wine is really really dry. You shouldn’t drink it by itself but it goes well with fish.

Me: What kind of torture did someone have to go through to find that out? That sounds like a slave got thrown in a cell and they gave him dry wine to drink then tossed in a fish and he was like “Actually? This isn’t too bad.”

 

Woman: When I compare myself to you I don’t think I’ve done anything.

Guy: What?

Woman: I mean you were a missionary—

Guy: You’ve given birth four times!

 

bookofquotes

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