Me: That’s like when I thought Pele was Haitian.
Guy: Pele? He’s VERY African.
Me: No. He’s Brazilian.
Guy: What? Wow. And I saw the movie too.
Guy #1: Who’s the blonde girl in Game of Thrones?
Guy #2: There’s a lot of blonde girls.
Guy #1: The main one.
Guy #2: There’s 2 main ones.
Guy #1: Ok.
Me: When I’m big and famous, I’m gonna call all these rappers together on a talk show to talk about the nonsense on the radio nowadays. I’m gonna get Nas, Jay Z, Tupac—
Girlfriend: Tupac is dead, babe. You’re an embarrassment.
Me: My bad. Nas, Biggie—
Girlfriend: Say that again.
Me: You never cease to fail…wait. I meant to say, “You never cease to amaze me.” Then I changed my mind halfway to say, “You never fail.”
Woman: Let’s all line up and tell Emmanuel all the reasons he frustrates us.
Me: I love hearing poems from women’s perspectives. It helps me see things I can’t see because I don’t have the right chromosomes.
Woman: You just have to ask Y.
Guy #1: I broke into a sweaty tear cry.
Woman: What is that?
Me: When you’re sweating and crying at the same time.
Guy #2: I think that would be my Native American name: Chief Sweaty Tear Cry.
Guy: “Bajo” is “down” and “toilet” in Spanish.
Me: Makes sense because the toilet goes down. Now I’m imagining a parkour toilet where it’s on the ceiling. Can you imagine?
Guy: Gravity wouldn’t allow that.
Me: But imagine if you managed to climb up and hang upside down and the poop starts trickling down? Why are we even thinking about this?
Guy: WE’RE not thinking about this. YOU’RE thinking about this. We’re secondary to your imagination.
Woman: Can you and your girlfriend take a road trip down and see me soon?
2 days later
Me: That sounds like a really long trip. But fun.
Woman: So what I’m trying to understand is why you’re messaging me DAYS later.
Me: Your shampoo smells good.
Woman: It’s perfume. For someone who’s half-female, I’d expect you to catch that.
Me: I’m not half-female. I just have a good sense of smell. Wait. Is that Victoria’s Secret?
Me: Lemme guess: Bombshell?
Woman: You’re definitely half-female.
Me: I don’t like the nonsense that surrounds Halloween. The throwing eggs and stuff.
Woman: That’s mainly little kids. I literally don’t know anyone who does that. I mean I vandalize houses, but not on Halloween. You don’t need a holiday to vandalize.
Me: What? Wow.
Woman: That’s going in the Book, isn’t it?
Woman: I made it again. And this time it’s not about penises.
Me: The other day we were talking in English accents.
Guy: I heard. And you guys were drinking tea. But next time that happens, you better make sure that you’re drinking Earl Gray and not that nonsense you were drinking. Black tea and pomegranate? You’ve dishonored the accent. What kind of Englishman would drink that?
Woman: I hate when people say I’m lactose.
Guy: I’m milk-sugar. I’m completely composed of milk-sugar.
Woman: I couldn’t fall asleep last night because I was laughing at how clever I am.
Guy: What happened?
Woman: She had to talk to them.
Woman: It’s okay. Not everything’s personal.
Guy: Are you sure they’re not plotting against us? Because if they are, we should be plotting against them.
Woman: I’m 99% sure they’re not plotting against us.
Guy: So you’re 1% sure that they’re plotting against us.
(In front of co-worker’s cubicle)
Me: We should come up with a word for when you accidentally break wind and it’s too late to leave the scene of the crime.
guy: Is that what just happened?
Guy: You know what a cubicle is, right? The opposite of a wind tunnel. Thank you.
Me: You are a solar system of broken boundaries.
Guy: “I’ve been up for a while!” You know where that’s from?
Me: Mushu from Mulan.
Guy: No, but that’s close. He has the same vocal timbre and they’re both black. But his initials are I.E.
Woman: Idris Elba.
Guy: Wow. How’d you guess so fast?
Woman: Because you said he’s black and his initials are I.E.
Me: How many black actors could it be?
Guy: What about Imani Eloquim?
Guy: I just made that up.
Guy: I’m really disappointed in you today.
Woman: Just today?
Guy: Yes. I’m usually really appointed in him.
Woman: That was funny. Nice wordplay.
Woman #1: Don’t get your hopes up if the food’s not for us.
Woman #2: There’s chocolate croissants! I can’t put the lid back on. Satan is alive and real.
Woman #1: They’ll say, “What’d you eat today?” “4 grilled cheese sandwiches and a cinnamon roll.”
Woman #2: Oh. He wants to fight.
Woman: Thank you, Emmanuel, for teaching me things I didn’t need to know.
Woman: Remember that time Emmanuel compared shaving to tampons?
Woman: Is that her art thingy?
Me: The easel?
Woman: Yeah. I was having a hard time saying it.
Guy: It should be easel-ly describable.
Me: That was painfully punny.
Me: How about this? You go back, read some of your sources then come back to me and I’ll help you. Because like the preacher said in chapel last week, “God likes to steer a moving car.”
Guy: Sure. I’ll get the car moving then we can let Jesus take the wheel.
Me: Yeah. Carrie Underwood.
Guy: Louisville slugger to both headlights…No. That’s a different sermon.
Guy: Is this you too?
Me: It’s not U2. It’s Bono.
Me: U2. Bono.
Woman: I don’t get it.
Guy: Bono was the lead singer of U2. It was a bad joke.
Guy: I think he needs an exorcism. He doesn’t recognize the power of the mighty Celtics.
Woman: You showered.
Me: You too.
Woman: Yeah. Like a month ago.
Me: Have you seen the new Black Panther trailer?
Woman #1: I’m really far behind. You’d be disappointed in me.
Woman #2: I really loved Wonder Woman.
Woman #1: I didn’t even see that yet.
Woman #1: Listen. I had a baby.
Woman #2: Yeah, like 2 years ago! Get your priorities right.
Me: I’m notorious for making people worry about things they weren’t even thinking about.
Me: I saw the Goonies with them because I hadn’t seen it.
Guy: You hadn’t seen the Goonies? Did you have a childhood? Were your parents good to you?
Girlfriend: I’m taking you back to the boyfriend store and returning you. I’ve had enough.
(After calling a woman the wrong name)
Me: I’m sorry. You walked in and I didn’t even look up so I thought you were her and…
Woman: He’s still talking. I haven’t been listening to a word you said this whole time. I’m not gonna lie.
Guy: I like your dress. Can I say that?
Woman: Yeah. I guess. It’s a skirt. But thanks.
Guy: It looks colonial, but with a modern color.
Woman: Ok. That’s where you stop.
Guy: What? Why?
Me: You lost her at “colonial”. You might as well have said, “You look really old…BUT…”
Me: I feel like Tarzan when he left the jungle and went to England and got civilized, but there was still some jungle in him.
Woman: You’re from Orange. New Jersey.
RA: I have to check someone out.
Me: Really? Keep your eyes to yourself.
RA: Wow. I can’t believe you just played that.
Woman #1: He invited us to eat.
Woman #2: But it’s leftovers.
Woman #1: It’s okay. I love leftovers.
Me: And the Bible says even the children eat the bread from the master’s table, right?
Woman #2: It’s actually “even the dogs”.
Woman #1: Are you calling me a dog?
Me: No…that was…okay…I combined two different Scriptures.
Woman: I’m gonna keep being crazy and one day it’s gonna pay off.
Woman: Have you had this? It tastes like crack.
Me: It’s alright. I have a high tolerance for crack.
Woman: That sounds like a stronghold.
Me: You wanna get matching onesies?
Me: Shoot. I was kidding.
Girlfriend: Don’t do that. That was disrespectful.