The Book of Quotes: Fall 2020

 


 Wife: I want a sandwich. But I don’t know what kind yet.
 Me: Search within yourself. To find yourself. And save yourself from your other self.
 Wife: Why did I miss you?
 

 Woman: You know the whole gif vs jif debate? My cousin said “Imagine God comes down one day and is like ‘Its pronounced ‘Jod.’ then left.”
 

 Me: What's today?
 Guy: Today.
 

 Mom: When I was a young girl I bought a new dress to go to church. When I got there I saw another girl with the same dress so I went back home and changed.
 Dad: What kind of Christian are you?
 Wife: But she came back!
 Dad: What are you gonna do when you get to Heaven and everyone’s wearing the same robes? You gonna go to Hell?
 

 Black guy: Me and Serena just started dating.
 Me: Really? What changed?
 Black guy: She’s white.
 Me: She...was always white. Did you just realize that? So again. What changed?
 Black guy: No...I just...we were talking about kids and realized we have the same values when it comes to raising them.
 Me: Thats nice.
 Black guy: I’m joking. We’re not dating.
 Me: I would ask what made you think of joking about something like that but I already know the answer.
 Black guy: What?
 Me: You’re just a sick person.
 

 Guy: Theres a movie called Vampires Assistant.
 Me: Whats it about?
 Guy: A vampires assistant.
 

 Listening to "Say Something"
 Guy: Who sings this again?
 Me: Christina Aguilera and Great Big World.
 Guy: Stop. Christina Aguilera? Are you serious?
 Me: Absolutely.
 Guy: No way. Are you sure?
 Me: Completely.
 Guy: Give me a percentage.
 Me: 100%. I don’t know what else to tell you.
 

 Me: I’ve eaten things off the floor.
 Wife: I know. I’ve seen you.
 Me: During COVID.
 Wife(silence)
 

 Woman: Kids are cute. Im gonna adopt one.
 Me: I don't think thats a good reason to adopt. Also maybe get a husband first. You know...to raise the kid together.
 Woman: I’ll raise them by myself.
 Me: So the kids gonna be like “You chose me but you couldn't choose a Dad?”
 Woman: Gods your Dad.
 Me: God cant hug me Mom!
 Guy: Yikes. That got dark.
 

 

 Wife: Kim Kardashian turned 40 and Kanye got her a hologram of her dad.
 Me: Wow. That's crazy.
 Wife: They basically had him come down from Heaven to say happy birthday.
 Me: Wait. He's dead?
 Wife: Yes. That's...that's common knowledge.
 Me: Listen I have no investment whatsoever in the Kardashian family.
 Wife: But that's common knowledge.
 Me: Common knowledge? The Kardashians are like the quantum physics of reality TV. Nobody can keep up with them. Thats why it was literally called “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”
 

 Wife: They say when you’re pregnant with a girl it shows more than with a boy.
 Woman: That makes sense. That’s what happens with my friend. You can tell in her face that she’s pregnant.
 Me: How many times has she been pregnant?
 Woman: Once.
 Me: Oh. I thought it was several because you said “That’s what happens” like it was a recurring thing.
 Woman: No. 
 Me: I realize now that it could easily mean she’s pregnant now.
 Woman: And you’re an English professor?
 

 Nov 1: Wife plays Christmas songs
 Me: Really? Already?
 Wife: It's Christmas.
 Me: No it's not. We still have Thanksgiving. You gotta be thankful first before you start asking for Christmas presents.
 Wife(singing): Give thanks with a grateful heart...I'm thankful.
 

 Me: Alicia Keys has looked the same for years.
 Guy: No. She's looked younger.
 Me: But she definitely doesn't look as old as she probably is. Jay Z too.
 Guy: No he looks older.
 Me: He's like 50. Where are his wrinkles?
 Guy: Ok.
 Me: And Pharell.
 Guy: Yeah. Pharell's a vampire.
 

 Woman: None of this sounds like a reason why I don't have cheesecake.
 

Me(playing game on my phone)
 Wife: Stop smiling at things that aren't me.
 

 (Playing card game)
 Me: Wow. You've gotten better.
 Wife: And you've gotten worse. 

Guy: Oh, I DID lock the door.
Me: Don't you love it when you outsmart yourself?
Guy: Yeah. Well done, past me. I underestimated you.

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