Me: What sound does a cow make?
Me: What sound does a dog make?
Me: What sound does a human make?
6-year-old: This sound.
1: 4’s are usually emo.
4: Can we not come at 4’s for once? Everyone hates 4’s.
9: I think everyone hates 8’s.
4: No. I think everyone hates 4’s and 2’s because 2’s are manipulative.
Guy: From an outsider this sounds like a 3-year-old conversation.
Guy: This mask thing is really good.
Guy: It’s been saving a lot of ugly people. You don’t know who looks good or who looks bad.
Mom: I thought she was in the next town over.
Me: West Orange?
Mom: No. What’s the town after West Orange?
Me: South Orange?
Mom: No. What town is Montclair State University in?
Mom: Yes! Montclair.
Me: You got a haircut?
Me: Where’d you get it?
6-year-old: On my head.
6-year-old: I brought a blade today.
Me: I hope you didn’t. You’re not supposed to bring blades to school.
6-year-old(pulls out Beyblade)
Guy: What song is that?
Me: “If I Could Turn Back Time”.
Guy: Oh. Whitney Houston.
Me: No. A white woman.
Guy: Mariah Carey.
Me: Fully white.
Guy: Mariah Carey.
Me: Are you…?
Woman: It’s Cher. And she’s half Armenian and half Irish.
Me: Well she’s not Whitney Houston that’s for sure.
Me: I didn’t know that.
Dad: I’m not responsible for your ignorance.
Me: Here’s a riddle. You and 9 of your friends get kidnapped…
Woman: This one’s tough for me because you assumed I have 9 friends.
Me: He was my favorite professor. Then I never saw him again.
Wife: Just like everyone else you’ve looked up to in your life.
Me: Wow. That was wild.
Me: Can I park here?
Guy: Oh snap! The last time someone parked there…nothing happened.
Me: You suck.
Me(touches juice carton)
Guy: Don’t touch that.
Me: …You pissed in it?
Guy: Your reaction was the best.
Me: Why did King Saul hate David?
Me: That’s a really big word. But no. Thats incorrect.
Guy: My mom said she’d get crazy cravings when she was pregnant with me.
Me: Yeah? Do you remember what your mom was like when she was pregnant with your big sister?
Guy: No. Because we don’t have the same mother.
Me: I forgot about that. But it was a joke. You really could’ve just said “No. Because she’s my big sister.”
Guy: I could’ve.
Me: You’re a jerk.
Guy: What’s your enneagram type?
Guy: Is that the boring type?
5-year-old: Oooooh! That’s a bad word. Teacher! Is 0562 a bad word?
Me: What do you think?
Me: It’s not a bad word.
Woman: Count to ten.
4-year-old: One. Ten.
Wife: Where can I get folding chairs?
Me: Babe, you can’t scream that.
Wife: What? But it wasn’t…nobody would’ve…
Me: Go ahead. Defend your right to shout that word with no context.
Wife: But I said the s at the end.
Me: So there’s multiple. Even better.
Me: I did that when I went to the Met.
Guy: Met Gala?
Me: No. The museum.
Guy: Sorry. I’m from Jersey.
Me: So am I. What’s the problem here?
Me: You’re really flying right now.
Guy: Well you gotta get home to your wife.
Me: Yeah, but it’s not like she’s going into labor.
Guy: How do you know? She could be the next Mary Jane.
Me: What? What does that even mean?
Guy: I was trying to refer to the Virgin Mary. What was her last name? Mary Christ?
Wife: What is that smell? Is that you?
Me: What does it smell like?
Me: Then it’s probably the grass.
Wife: That makes sense.
Guy: If traditional roles were reversed, I could live a pretty happy life if I was seen as a sex object and could cook all day.
Me: I thought you said your birthday was gonna be today.
6-year-old: No. My birthday is in 2 years.
Me(teaching kids Kreyol): Gad yon ko-zay!
Kids: Gad yon ko-zay!
Me: You know what that means?
6-year-old: It means, “What are you doing?!”
5-year-old: It’s what your parents say before they spank you.
Siri: I don’t know who your husband is.
Wife: Nobody asked you!