Wife: He looks wasian.
Me: Thats a thing?
Wife: I just made it up.
Woman: Are you crying? You act like you’re not gonna see him again. Get a grip.
Wife: Why do you laugh like that? Is there another option in your settings?
Me: My whole life I thought Destiny’s Child was saying “Ladies leave your man at home/the club is full of ballers and their cock is full grown.” And now you may never hear that song the same way again.
Woman: And yet after being explicitly told to keep this information to yourself I’d like to publicly apologize to Facebook for this trauma.
Guy: Thank you for that. I now need therapy.
Wife: What else is on the list?
Me: Cereal. Butter. Margarine.
Wife: MARGARINE?! WHO SAID MARGARINE?!
Me: You did!
Me: I’m kidding. I’m wicked.
Wife: I’m gonna pray this spirit of wickedness out of you. In the name of Jesus we rebuke the spirit of annoying the wife!
Woman: Well I won’t keep you any longer. I know you have a meeting at 12:30.
Guy: What? Me?
Woman: Gosh, I wish you weren’t a liar.
Wife: Their son is seven months and he’s sitting up by himself.
Me: Does he fly?
Wife: No. Can you fly?
Me: No. But I can sit up by myself.
Wife: What if adults posted videos of themselves doing ordinary stuff and made a big deal about it like we do with babies?
Me: You mean like instagram?
White man: #1: I watched 2 episodes of Tiger King and had to take a shower.
White man #2: Welcome to Oklahoma.
Guy #1:What do you do for fun?
Guy #2: Theres a canal outside our house where we go hiking and watch the beavers.
Guy #1: My friend does the same thing in the Bronx.
Guy #3: Those aren’t beavers.
Guy: Any updates?
Woman: I’m still fabulous. Just thought you should know.
Wife: This tastes like poison. Here. Taste it.
Woman: You know what, sir? With all due respect: go to Hell.
Woman: I’ve been having bad allergies and Zyrtec hasn’t worked.
Me: You need some Claritin D.
Guy: He said you need some D.
Me: No. Claritin D.
Guy: Oh. I didn’t hear the Claritin part.
Friend(5:36 a.m.): U know what’s crazy? Even after everything Anna and Elsa went through, including Frozen 2 Elsa STILL hasn’t told Anna about what happened when she first shot her in the head when they were kids. Like ?? That’s crazy to me.
Me(8:51 a.m.): Elsa needs counseling…wait. You were up at 5 a.m. thinking about that?
Woman: How many Avengers movies have there been?
Guy: That’s a tricky question.
Me: It’s actually not.
Guy: Alright you got me there.
Guy #1: Your ex is gonna be in your class?
Guy #2: Yeah. So this semester is gonna be muy interesante. And not just because I’m taking Spanish.
Woman: At room temperature most elements are in which phase of matter?
Guy #1: Liquid.
Guy #2: That makes no sense. Think of fire.
Me: Fire is an element?
Guy #2: Wait. This isn’t avatar?
Guy #3: Wrong science.
Woman #1: Why do my boobs look like watermelons?
Woman #2: Mine look like seeds. What’s the problem?
White woman: If you ever wanna cuss out a white person, I volunteer as tribute.
Wife: Driving makes me anxious. Especially on the road.
Me: On the road? What are you used to? Driving indoors?
Guy: I just wanna put it out there that I have the longest hair.
Girlfriend: And I wanna put it out there that nobody cares.
Woman #1: God speaks to me in the shower.
Woman #2: Frequently? Have you been showering?
Woman: I didn’t know it was possible, but after watching y’all do it I know you can waste your day playing video games.
Me: I feel like Jayden is a really athletic name. Like you probably don’t know any Jaydens who don’t play sports.
Wife: I do.
Me: Name one.
Wife: “Jayden who doesn’t play sports.”
Me: Is that a baby raccoon? The mom is gone. We should take care of it.
Guy: I’m not lactating now.
Woman #1: But you have nipples.
Guy: Yeah, but I’ve got no milk.
Woman #2: You and your useless man nipples.
Guy: I always say, “Whats the point of nepotism if you don’t use it?”
Guy: I met Alice Cooper. You know him.
White man: Yeah.
White woman: Yeah.
White man: All the white people.
Guy: Did you know ladybugs are male?
Guy: Look it up.
Me(after google search): Turns out ladybugs can be male or female but it’s impossible to tell the difference. Also it turns out they mate for 2 hours.
Guy: Babe you wanna do the ladybug challenge?