The Book of Quotes: Spring 2020 Part 2

Wife: He looks wasian.

Me: Thats a thing?

Wife: I just made it up.

 

Woman: Are you crying? You act like you’re not gonna see him again. Get a grip.

 

Wife: Why do you laugh like that? Is there another option in your settings?

 

Me: My whole life I thought Destiny’s Child was saying “Ladies leave your man at home/the club is full of ballers and their cock is full grown.” And now you may never hear that song the same way again.

Woman: And yet after being explicitly told to keep this information to yourself I’d like to publicly apologize to Facebook for this trauma.

Guy: Thank you for that. I now need therapy.

 

Wife: What else is on the list?

Me: Cereal. Butter. Margarine.

Wife: MARGARINE?! WHO SAID MARGARINE?!

Me: You did!

WIFE: WHAT?!

Me: I’m kidding. I’m wicked.

Wife: I’m gonna pray this spirit of wickedness out of you. In the name of Jesus we rebuke the spirit of annoying the wife!

 

Woman: Well I won’t keep you any longer. I know you have a meeting at 12:30.

Guy: What? Me?

Woman: Gosh, I wish you weren’t a liar.

 

Wife: Their son is seven months and he’s sitting up by himself.

Me: Does he fly?

Wife: No. Can you fly?

Me: No. But I can sit up by myself.

Wife: What if adults posted videos of themselves doing ordinary stuff and made a big deal about it like we do with babies?

Me: You mean like instagram?

 

White man: #1: I watched 2 episodes of Tiger King and had to take a shower.

White man #2: Welcome to Oklahoma.

 

Guy #1:What do you do for fun?

Guy #2: Theres a canal outside our house where we go hiking and watch the beavers.

Guy #1: My friend does the same thing in the Bronx.

Guy #3: Those aren’t beavers.

 

Guy: Any updates?

Woman: I’m still fabulous. Just thought you should know.

 

Wife: This tastes like poison. Here. Taste it.

 

Woman: You know what, sir? With all due respect: go to Hell.

 

Woman: I’ve been having bad allergies and Zyrtec hasn’t worked.

Me: You need some Claritin D.

Woman: What?

Guy: He said you need some D.

Me: No. Claritin D.

Guy: Oh. I didn’t hear the Claritin part.

 

Through Text

Friend(5:36 a.m.): U know what’s crazy? Even after everything Anna and Elsa went through, including Frozen 2 Elsa STILL hasn’t told Anna about what happened when she first shot her in the head when they were kids. Like ?? That’s crazy to me.

Me(8:51 a.m.): Elsa needs counseling…wait. You were up at 5 a.m. thinking about that?

 

Woman: How many Avengers movies have there been?

Guy: That’s a tricky question.

Me: It’s actually not.

Guy: Alright you got me there.

 

Guy #1: Your ex is gonna be in your class?

Guy #2: Yeah. So this semester is gonna be muy interesante. And not just because I’m taking Spanish.

 

Woman: At room temperature most elements are in which phase of matter?

Guy #1: Liquid.

Guy #2: That makes no sense. Think of fire.

Me: Fire is an element?

Guy #2: Wait. This isn’t avatar?

Guy #3: Wrong science.

 

Woman #1: Why do my boobs look like watermelons?

Woman #2: Mine look like seeds. What’s the problem?

 

White woman: If you ever wanna cuss out a white person, I volunteer as tribute.

 

Wife: Driving makes me anxious. Especially on the road.

Me: On the road? What are you used to? Driving indoors?

 

Guy: I just wanna put it out there that I have the longest hair.

Girlfriend: And I wanna put it out there that nobody cares.

 

Woman #1: God speaks to me in the shower.

Woman #2: Frequently? Have you been showering?

 

Woman: I didn’t know it was possible, but after watching y’all do it I know you can waste your day playing video games.

 

Me: I feel like Jayden is a really athletic name. Like you probably don’t know any Jaydens who don’t play sports.

Wife: I do.

Me: Name one.

Wife: “Jayden who doesn’t play sports.”

 

 

Me: Is that a baby raccoon? The mom is gone. We should take care of it.

Guy: I’m not lactating now.

Woman #1: But you have nipples.

Guy: Yeah, but I’ve got no milk.

Woman #2: You and your useless man nipples.

 

Guy: I always say, “Whats the point of nepotism if you don’t use it?”

 

Guy: I met Alice Cooper. You know him.

White man: Yeah.

White woman: Yeah.

Me: No.

White man: All the white people.

 

Guy: Did you know ladybugs are male?

Me: Really?

Guy: Look it up.

Me(after google search): Turns out ladybugs can be male or female but it’s impossible to tell the difference. Also it turns out they mate for 2 hours.

Guy: Babe you wanna do the ladybug challenge?

 

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