Me: We’re gonna have to reschedule our hike. There’s a bear on the loose. Also it’s still wet from the rain. So we don’t want to get too wet or too dead.
Guy: True. Those are not desirable options.
Woman: Did you know the Bible app sends messages now? It texts me asking me how I feel. I’m like “Awww thanks Bible app you know I’m single. I don’t got nobody asking me how I feel.”
Black woman: We need you to get yourself a rich white man so we can do white people things.
White woman: Why don’t we just start making white people money and do white people things?
Me: An Asian guy told me he has a theory that black people use cash app and white people use venmo.
Black guy: I was about to disprove you then realized I have cash app.
Me: Your face looks beat.
Wife: No it doesn’t. It just looks nice.
Me: Well beat is better than nice.
Wife: But it can’t be beat because I don’t have makeup on.
Me: But it looks like you do. I’m trying to compliment you.
Wife: It’s not working.
Woman: Can you do it instead? I’m gonna get scared and then I’m gonna fart.
Woman: You leave me on read in person.
Colorado woman: You want some chips?
Colorado man: I gave that up for Lent.
Me: It’s August. Is Lent different in Colorado?
Colorado woman: It’s the marijauna.
Man: If pizza was worship music, Tarantella’s would be the Gospel singer hitting the twittly toos high notes. Amici’s is the worship leader who’s a really strong tenor. They keep it simple, they’re consistent, and the presence of God falls.
Colorado woman: How’s the pizza?
New Yorker: If it was America’s Got Talent, it wouldn’t get the golden buzzer, but it would get 3 out of 4 yeses. The point is it would make it to the next round. But after that I can’t promise it’ll go far.
At youth camp
Woman: They got married last month. They’re in the honeymoon phase.
Older woman: So that’s why I couldn’t sleep last night.
Woman: We’re at youth camp!
Me: They were worshiping. Making a joyful noise.
Me: Do you speak Tagalog?
Philipino man: A little. Just some words and how to count to three. Isa…dalawa…ummm…how to count to two.
Woman: Hey Siri, what’s an earwig?
Siri: Earwigs make up the insect order Dermaptera.
Woman: What the heck is an insect order? Sounds like the Illuminati.
Me: You don’t want me to be great.
Wife: I don’t want you to have dumb dreams.
After guy talks to a woman
Woman: Is she grabbable?
Guy: She’s married.
Me: So that’s a hard no.
Guy: That’s a Jesus no.
Woman: I’m gonna put my foot in your butthole.
Guy: I don’t support your brutality and sexual exploitation of sunflowers.
Me: I was dancing with it.
Guy: That’s what they all say. You need to pray more.
Me: If you could be any other ethnicity, what would it be?
White man: Asian.
Asian woman: What?! Why?!
Woman: I heard you were like the campus champlain.
Woman: Like champion and chaplain. It sounds cool. You’re welcome.
Me: Where are you from?
Guy #1: Georgia.
Me: Yeah? I have cousins in Georgia.
Guy #1: Where? Tbilisi?
Me: No. Lawrenceville.
Guy #1: Oh. I’m from the Republic of Georgia.
Guy #2: You gotta lead with that next time.
Me: Were you laughing?
Wife: No. I was choking.