Guy: How old are you?
Me: Wow. You’re one of the first people to guess it on the first try.
Guy: I had a feeling you were on the cusp of 30.
Guy #2: On the cusp of never being at your prime again.
Woman: I asked him to help me cook and he was just playing with the meat balls. I feel like guys just play in the kitchen.
Me: Well, if you give us balls to play with, we’ll play with them.
Me: Well, if you think about it like that of course it’s gonna sound bad.
Me: “Tender”. Is that like a Christian tinder?
Woman: Did you just call me a chicken tender?
Woman: I was driving by and I saw you and I was like, “Emmanuel looks like he’s having a really deep, passionate time…I’m gonna ruin it.”
Me: I’ve always wanted someone to give me an excuse to unleash the sociopath in me.
Wife: That’s the mark of an actual sociopath.
Woman(singing): He touched me…
Guy: That song is a grief journal.
Guy #1: She said she’s gonna fart. So I said, “Let the cheeks ring.” That should make it in a spoken word. It would definitely make it in a Cardi B song.
Guy #2: I don’t know if that’s the mark of a good song.
Woman #1: Can I have some shasta?
Me: Isn’t that a German curse?
Woman #2: No. It’s scheisse. I just said a swear. Living dangerously.
Me: You’re on facebook right?
Woman: I use it for stalking purposes.
Woman: I never had a cabbage patch doll.
Woman: You were blessed. You don’t need that in your life.
Me: I like to bake. But I don’t know if this is my fault or not, but I have a problem with measuring.
Woman: Yeah, that’s your fault.
Me: It’s just like Incredibles when…
Woman: I didn’t see it.
Guy: Say you’re sorry.
Mom: When I was pregnant with Emmanuel, I was 200 lbs.
Me: I don’t remember that.
Preacher: The Bible says to honor your parents and that it’s the first commandment with a promise–long life.
Woman: I’m gonna die young.
Guy #1: I have PTSD from that failed dap.
Me: I get the same thing. Especially in a hyper black environment.
Guy #2: What’s a hyper black environment?
Me: A barber shop…or jail.
Asian man: See, that’s something that I can’t say.
Wife: This is spicy chicken.
Me: Are you sure? Lemme try.
Me: I just wanna confirm. You know two mouths are…
Guy: Finish that. Two mouths are what?
Movie: He’s like a sexy Italian fly and you’re like an old meatball in an alley.
Woman: Why did this speak to me?
Woman: I’ll never forget the first time she told me I was prophetic and I was too afraid to tell her that I didn’t know what that means.