My Life is Awkward: College

Freshman year

I forgot the name of a girl I met at orientation. For 2 years we had class together and were on the track team together. And for 2 years I tried and failed to discreetly discover her name while she very clearly knew mine. Finally as a sophomore she realized I didn’t know her name and called me out on it.

I had a crush on my Bio lab TA and would secretly try to get her attention. One day in lab, a conversation with my group took a bizarre turn when a student chimed in with “Hitler used to put a plate on his face and let his girlfriend take a dump on it.” Another student didn’t hear what was said and I stupidly repeated it for them. But the TA assumed I had introduced this topic and very firmly shut it down.

I was really nervous for one of my first college exams. Then my classmate next to me told me to look at his screen before the exam was passed out. He was in Word and there was a picture of a plane, 2 buildings, and a skull and crossbones symbol. He said it was Wingdings. So I asked what he had written that made that come up. He switched the font back to normal and it was what I thought were a few random number and letters. When I asked him what that was he said, “The flight number of one of the planes that crashed into the Twin Towers.” And that’s the last thing I heard before the exam started.

I met an Egyptian person for the first time in that Bio lab. One of my first questions to him was, “Do you speak hieroglyphics?”

Sophomore year

I had a crush on a childhood friend that I mentioned in the elementary school version of this. After third grade she moved away and we lost touch. Until she randomly showed up on campus and said hi. I was sitting down and due to a combination of social anxiety and sheer stupidity I didn’t stand to return her hug. Instead I stayed seated and simply gave her an up nod. She awkwardly nodded back, said some words then walked off. I have literally never seen her again.

I once tried to make a good impression on a Puerto Rican girl I liked. I told her what I thought was a funny story about me finding out another Puerto rican girl had the same name as her. She responded simply, “Thank you. For reminding me that I have a generic Puerto Rican name.”

I went to an event hosted by the Muslim Student Association and ate with a group of older Muslims. We were having a great time until one of the women graciously, but very clearly, informed me that it was improper to eat with the left hand  because the Devil was left-handed.

The first time I attended a Muslim gathering on campus I was really blessed by the message the imam preached. But when he was done everyone stood up at the same time then suddenly bowed down on their faces to pray. Leaving me as the only person in the middle of the room standing. I had to leap frog my way out.

Junior year

On a trip to a retreat with some friends, we stopped on the side of the road so the guys could pee in the woods. Clearly we couldn’t wash our hands and the girls warned us not to touch them afterwards. Minutes later I started telling a story and ended up touching a girl’s face. As she screamed in terror I quickly assured her that I had used my other hand to pee and that she was safe. I lied.

While studying for Physics with my very attractive classmate, she asked me if I was a virgin. I said no. Then, thinking this was common courtesy, I asked her if she was a virgin too. She replied, “No. Definitely no.” It was a hard transition after that.

Senior year

In a moment of sheer brilliance and bigheadedness I once inscribed the following formula on the board before the start of my Calculus class:

NJIT = time x money

Money = √(evil)

Money² = evil

Time = money

Time x money = money²

NJIT = time x money

NJIT = money²

NJIT = evil

When the professor walked in, he briefly glanced at the formula then erased it without a word.

A girl I didn’t have a crush on appeared to have a crush on me because she was going out of her way to do one on one extensive community service with me while receiving no credit for it. One night in the car she started confessing that she liked someone we both knew and that it was “super obvious”. I played dumb until she broke down crying. So I finally said, “It’s me.” But at the same time she said “It’s William.”

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