I once tried to ask my science teacher why some dreams feel so real. Instead of simply asking that, I proceeded to describe a wet dream I had had. The teacher saw where this was going and promptly threatened me with detention if I didn’t stop. To this day I don’t know what I was thinking.
The hottest girl in school tried all freshman year to get me to get with her. I successfully resisted her all year and as a result gave rise to the running joke that I was gay. This will become important later…
I was finally allowed to wear deodorant for the first time. My life has never been the same.
I could never find pants my size for the school uniform. So my classmates would always tease me for having such tight pants. Now everyone is wearing skinny jeans and no one is laughing.
By freshman year I was finally wearing deodorant and smelling good. But one time on picture day, I forgot to wear deodorant and started smelling again. My best friend offered to get his deodorant from his locker, but warned me to stay away from everyone until he got back. I sat alone in the corner while I waited and a group of girls came over to ask me what was wrong. Seeing the impending disaster, my friend rushed over and screamed, “Get away from him!” and they all left.
My friends tried to pressure me into grabbing girls’ butts during the hustle and bustle out of the cafeteria at lunch. I initially wanted to join in, but then said I would rather “go back to my old ways”. They replied, “Go back to what? Being gay?” Because I knew what they meant, I said yes. Unfortunately, a group of girls overheard us down the hall and ran away before I could explain. For the rest of the year I found myself in weird situations with those friends, including accidentally grabbing my friend’s thigh and making jokes about buying each other edible underwear. Those girls were there every time.
I had a massive crush on my choir director’s daughter. We’ll call her Twelve(because she was a twelve out of ten). Every day in church I would daydream about something unrelated and my head would tilt to the right. And every day I would somehow end up staring straight at her without knowing it and she would catch me.
One time during choir rehearsal Twelve got up to go the bathroom(like any normal human being). Unlike a normal human being, I suddenly needed to pee shortly after she left. I waited several minutes so that it didn’t look like I was stalking her then got up to go. But when I reached the boys bathroom, I bumped into her on her way out of the girls bathroom. This happened every. Single. Sunday.
One day in Math class, our teacher had us fill in extra class time by doing the problems in the back of the book. The rest of the class complained. But I proudly announced that I had already done these problems on my own free time. No one else was impressed.
My Biology teacher invited a female doctor to class and urged us to ask her any questions we had about human biology. No one was asking anything so I finally asked her the following question: “Why do guys get random erections?” She replied, “I don’t specialize in male physiology, but from what I do know, random erections happen from wet dreams, am I correct?” I had the choice to either clarify that this wasn’t what I was talking about and thereby prolong the awkwardness, or admit to my wet dreams and take the L. I said, “Yes. You’re right.” and never asked a question again.
For spirit week I wore a full-body Spider-Man suit to school. I was too self conscious to walk around in it so I wore jeans and an open flannel over it. Everyone was impressed that it actually was a full body suit and wanted to see it and this prompted the girls to repeatedly ask me to take off my pants.
That same day I was wearing the Spider-Man suit, I asked my teacher if I could go to the bathroom and my teacher asked, “Can you swing over there on your webs?” I said, “No.” “Can you climb the walls on your way?” “No.” Then he asked, “Can you hang upside down in the rain while kissing a girl?” “No.” Then he turned to the class and said, “Ladies? Any volunteers?” There was nothing but silence. Then I asked if I could leave and he finally let me go.
One day at a Christmas concert, a woman from church asked me to go backstage to look for her husband. When I got backstage, I suddenly zoned out and forgot what I was there for. There was frantic movement and I quickly came back to Earth and realized that the women were changing backstage. Worst of all, Twelve was directly in front of me about to take off her skirt.
A friend once asked me if guys ever feel weird seeing random guys’ butts in the bathroom. I realized that since her five-year-old brother still pulls down his underwear when peeing, she assumed all guys did this. So I began to explain the mechanics of how grown men use the urinal, complete with a breakdown of the flexibility of the waistband, when our teacher overheard the conversation and told me to stop.
When I found out that a little boy at my parents’ daycare was a Spider-Man fan, I promised him I’d bring Spider-Man to the daycare if he left me alone. He did and I was forced to make good on my promise. A week later, I arrived in the full-blown Spider-Man suit, planning on making a personal visit to this single little boy. Instead, the entire daycare discovered me, teachers included. I rolled with it and gave them all high-fives for a little while then said good-bye and expected to leave with a dramatic exit. Instead, a stampede of thirty children chased me through the building.
When my youth pastor got married, I was a groomsman and I was walking with Twelve. But at the last possible moment, she had to drop out of the wedding and I was now walking with a ratchet girl I had never spoken to before. She had previously planned an elaborate dance/fake proposal with her prior partner to walk into the reception with and warned me not to embarrass her. When it was time for the performance, I simply handed her the bouquet and she snatched it from me and stormed off the dance floor, leaving me alone in the center while everyone “ohhhhhed”.
I grew up learning Kreyol and French simultaneously, which led to some tragic misunderstandings. In French the word “femme” can mean “woman” or “wife”. In Kreyol there’s a similar word “fum” that does mean woman but does not mean wife. The closest translation would be “b**ch”. On Fathers Day I gave my Dad a shout out in front of the whole church for “showing me how to treat my wife.” Except I didn’t say “wife”.
I had a crush on my female best friend and she also had a crush on me. I wasn’t allowed to date so there was never any need to voice said crush. On our senior trip, she told me she had to tell me something important. I genuinely thought she was going to say something I didn’t know like, “I secretly hate black people.” Instead she said, “I have liked you for a really long time.” To which I replied, “That’s it?” She laughed and said, “Yeah!” Then we never spoke again.