Guy: Why was Cailou bald? Was he sick?
Woman: We can go to Trader Joe’s.
Guy: I ain’t trading nothing.
Me: I told your mother you could drive down to Florida now and she was like no.
Wife: I’m pretty good. She can suck it.
Guy: Those are pretty strong words for your mother.
Me: And what exactly would she suck?
Woman: The Lord be speaking.
Guy: He be saying words. He be like, “Yo, what’s up?” And I’m like, “Yo, that’s crazy.”
Woman: I think this is al dente.
Guy: Who’s Dante?
Guy drinking Naked
Me: How is Naked?
Guy: You know what you did. Yo know daggon well what you did.
Listening to Dancing with a Stranger
Wife: Is it okay to dance with a stranger?
Me: I think it depends. If you’re a professional dancer, it’s ok. If you’re a singer, you can sing a duet with somebody. If you’re a poet, you can write a poem with somebody.
Guy: If you’re a walker, you can walk with somebody.
Me: You ever start coming for someone then realize mid-c…never mind. The phrasing.
Woman: You were about to say mid-coming right?
Guy: Let’s pray.
Me: Imagine if God made guys have to give birth.
Guy: I would rather poop out the baby.
Woman: So would we!
Guy: But you have 2…
Me: Tread carefully.
Me(singing): I can show you the world.
Wife: I’m gonna show you the back of my slipper!
Me: You’re emotionally constipated. So I hope your time here has been a holy laxative to help you let it all out.
Me: I dropped a krouton on the floor in the caf. It was like two seconds. Then across the caf I hear, “He ate it!” And I’m like, these people were really sitting there watching me.
Woman: You cannot make it about the people. This is about you.
Me: I found these glasses in Simpson parking lot. So I posted it on Facebook, but no one claimed them. Then someone said that if I wore them the owner would step up and be like “Those are mine!”
Woman: I’m sure that’s what car thieves think.
Me: Have you heard of the enneagram?
Woman: I thought you said mammogram. I was gonna be like, “E is crossing all kinds of boundaries today. He is out of control.”
Me: I found out that white people get ashy. It’s just not as noticeable. So when people ask if black people need to wear sun tan lotion, you can say “as much as white people need lotion: yes, but not as much.”
Woman: You should write a dissertation on that.
Me: What would the title be?
Guy: “I Burn Too”
Me: Yes! There’s so many layers to that! And for white people it would be “I Crack Too”
Woman: No. There are too many layers there.
Guy: One thing I like about her is that when she was little, her Dad switched all the Barbie dolls with Star Wars action figures. So from a very young age, she got a solid education.
Guy: This song is weird. And creepy. If anyone has been reading the middle of Ezekiel lately, then you’ll love this. Not the beginning where it’s about cooking things over poop.
(Moving table)Me: This is surprisingly heavy.
Woman: I’m not surprised. It’s marble.
Woman: Do you just have a spirit of unnatural weirdness?
Me: This is amazing! You’ve gotta try it!
Lactose woman: It’s good. What’d you put in it?
Lactose woman: Crap.
Me: I forgot!