Me: He looks like Mowgli.
Guy: I guess. The hair and the skin. Wait, you mean Jungle Book Mowgli?
Me: What other Mowgli is there? The rapper?
Sensei: Hadosi sa shina! I didn’t say anything in Japanese. But you thought I did because of anime.
(After work out)
Daughter: Now it smells like men. Disgusting.
Father: Smells like hard work to me.
Me: Is that an Android? Yep. The OnePlus6.
Woman: This guy told me that when he was a kid the Hudson would get so cold that it would freeze and people would walk across. He was like 80.
Me: So this happened in like the 20s or 30s.
Guy: Before global warming really took place.
Woman: Why didn’t you make tea during your lunch break?
Me: I thought that going to the bathroom would help. That’s what I was doing the whole time.
Woman: Thank you. I wanted to know that. It really enriched my life.
Guy: I think I’m pretty cool. I’m not a mushroom. But I’m a fun guy.
Guy: Hi. My name’s Theophilus.
Me: Really? I’ve never met a Theophilus before. My name is Luke.
Wife: I can’t take you anywhere.
Guy: The plans fell through because of scheduling. They couldn’t do it bi-monthly.
Me: You mean bi-weekly.
Guy: Bi-weekly and bi-monthly are the same thing.
Me: What? I don’t get it.
Guy: Yes. So now—
Me: Wait. That means that there should be a bi-daily. That makes no sense.
Guy: I don’t wanna have this conversation with you! So you’re just gonna have to trust me.
Woman: You wanna hear something exciting that will make you wanna get up and hug me?
Woman: Apparently not.
Me: I got an iPhone. But it’s only temporary. If figured I’d go prodigal for a little while before coming back home.
iPhone user: You are home. You’ve been prodigal.
Guy: I realize that I perform better when I’m sitting on a stool. I might have to buy a foldable stool to bring with me to performances.
Me: Sounds good. You can be like, “I’m gonna drop these bars after I drop this stool.” Wait. That came out wrong.
Me: We should have a code word for when I’m being too annoying,
Wife: Stop. That’s the word.
Android user: You think racism is over. Then you hear people saying, “I don’t like green!”
Woman: So did he stand you up or did he cancel?
Guy #1: That’s a minor detail.
Guy #2: Yeah. It’s not like I didn’t send a text. Or apologize afterwards. It was snowing.
Guy #1: I understand that 7 Eleven slushy level snow is enough to stop you.
Guy #2: It’s funny cuz he already used that, but he had to use it again in front of people.
Guy #1: The guys who were here for the meeting are now gone. I hate when they do that. They tease us with success.
Me: That’s how girls feel about guys.
Guy #1: Not me. I’m here more than you want me to be.
Guy #2: Am I the girl?
Guy #1: We’re the surrogate mother in this relationship.
Me: This just took a weird turn.
Me: The caf reveals what’s inside of people.
Guy: So does 20 minutes in the bathroom.
Me: I want to have an adult version of the Book of Quotes.
Guy: You mean R-Rated? Because the fact that you said “adult” makes me wonder: “What are these quotes?”