Me: What are some manly skills you wish you knew?
Guy: How to shave my underarms.
Guy #2: That’s not manly. What are you, a swimmer?
Woman: Baby mama shark doo doo doo doo,
Me: We went to ATS together.
Woman: Actually I went to AGSC. ATS is better. It’s more difficulter.
Me: It is. Much more difficulter.
Woman: And more knowledges.
Me: Do you do anything artistic?
Doctor: No. I’m a terrible artist.
Guy: But you can draw blood.
Guy: Somebody prophesied that me and her would be married. But then they renounced it later like, “Sorry. The blood of Jesus. The Devil is a liar.” At that moment I got defensive like “The Devil is NOT a liar.”
Me: Do you have a smart phone?
Guy #1: My phone’s a little dumb.
Guy #2: Like owner like phone.
Me: I feel loved when I’m sweaty and someone still hugs me.
Guy: Weird flex. But ok.
Guy: There’s no such thing as a dumb question. Only dumb people who ask questions.
Walking through the Met
Woman: I wonder if Jesus is tight. Like, “I’m not white. And I don’t got a little wee wee.”
Woman: I bombed my sermon.
Me: I bombed my rap. A family that bombs together…bonds together.
Woman: I was waiting to see if you could pull that off. I’m impressed.
Woman: Mormons used to believe that Black people are fallen angels.
Guy: So in the parable of the weeds growing among the wheat, you would be the weeds?
Guy: So you might as well enjoy that weed.
Woman: Men have thyroid issues?
Me: Well, we have thyroids. We can also get breast cancer.
Guy: You know what I can’t get? Ovarian cancer.
Me: Have you seen the new Robin Hood trailer? Jamie Foxx is in it.
Guy #1: Who is he?
Me: Robin Hood’s mentor.
Guy #1: And who’s Robin Hood?
Me: Eggsy from Kingsman.
Guy #1: So a black guy is teaching a white guy how to steal.
Guy #2: At least he’s teaching him something.
Woman: There’s a problem with the city of Nyack’s water system.
Guy: I guess that’s what adds flavor. The fecal matter.
Woman: I saw your Facebook thing.
Me: My post? That was two seconds ago! Did you read it while driving?
Woman: Ummm…In my defense it was uphill. There was probably no one there.
Guy: Thanks for riding me.
Me: Driving me.
Guy: Driving me. I’m sorry. That’s a super pause moment. I should stop talking.
Me: You think they’ll make another Creed?
Guy: Stallone said farewell to Rocky on Instagram. That’s horrible. He should’ve stayed. he could’ve been like Mickey.
Me: But Mickey’s a cartoon.
Guy: What? Mickey—Rocky’s trainer.
Me: When I was little I used to think UPS was pronounced “ups”. Because it was graffitied on a train station wall. But then I saw a UPS truck and I was like, “Ohhhh.” But then I was still confused why someone would graffiti UPS on a wall. Maybe there’s a UPS gang. Crips are blue. Bloods are red. And Ups are brown.
Wife: Holy Spirit, I need your help.
Me: How could will it be when we achieve interplanetary travel and we could be like, “Yo how’s the weather on Earth” “We still got global warming.” “Alright. Cuz it’s nice and cool on Venus.”
Wife: Why did I assume it was gonna be something normal? Like, “How cool will it be when we achieve our dreams and we can get a private uber anywhere?”
Wife: Charles Oakley hit on me and lifted me off the ground.
Husband: That was before me. So Charles Oakley is still alive.
Woman #1: Is that smart wool?
Me: What’s smart wool?
Woman #2: Sheep who were clever and listened to the shepherd.
Woman: This is Us is about a family…
Guy: That’s where they lost me.
Me: I used to think “international” meant around the nation.
Wife: I guess I could see that. It sounds like “inner”. But it’s “inter”.
Me: But then again I knew about international students. I just don’t know how I explained that to myself.
Wife: So you were a grown man when you found this out?
Me: No. I was like in college. Well…oh…yeah.
Me: You don’t play God. God plays you. I didn’t wanna be a pastor and then I married a woman who wants to be a pastor. And God was like, “Congratulations. You just played yourself.”
Me: What picture is that?
Guy #1: The Flat Iron District.
Me: Where is that? Downtown? Midtown?
Guy #2: No. It’s actually Sidetown.
Guy #1: I think it’s by Union Square.
Guy #2: Gabrielle Union lives there.
Me: I cannot with you.