Wife: God be lining things up.
Me: Like a good barber.
Me: Take this exit. It says Jersey.
Mom: But we don’t know if it’s the right Jersey.
Eye doctor: Most people don’t know this, but when you come out of the birth canal you have to go to a place to get your body parts. See you got the body, the muscles, and the intelligence. Then you realized, “I can’t see!” So you went to get your eyes and this was all they had. So somewhere out there there’s an ugly guy with perfect vision and it’s your fault.
Mom: When it comes to helping people, I don’t know when to say no.
Dad: That’s because you don’t read the Bible.
Me: I have a theory. You saw La La Land?
Me: So every Mia has their Sebastian. And—
Wife: Who the heck is “Mia”?
Me: The main character in La La Land.
Wife: Maybe I wasn’t paying attention.
Me: You know Kyrie Irving challenged Kobe to a one-on-one? And when the Lakers played the Cavs, Kyrie had 28 and Kobe had 42. So it’s a lesson that even when you’re good…
Wife: You don’t come for the G.O.A.T.
Me: Well, I wouldn’t call him the G.O.A.T. But he’s still cattle.
Mother-in-law: Happy young couples day!
Woman: Um…thanks. Are you sure that’s what it’s called?
Mother-in-law: Yeah. All the Jewish kids have off of school for it.
Woman: You mean Yom Kippur?
Me: I have a red beard hair.
Red-headed Jewish man: And I have a black beard hair.
Me: Really? I named mine Eduardo. But now I’m thinking I should rename it Ephraim since it’s apparently from a Jewish man.
Red-headed Jewish man: Really? I named mine Edward. But I should rename it Titus after the first non-Jewish pastor.
Woman: You guys don’t see anything wrong with this? You’re naming hairs.
Me: I miss this. Half this stuff has made it into the Book of Quotes.
Woman: Stay close to Jesus. Never leave Him.
Me: Is it dark because I destroyed the furnace or because it’s night?
Nephew: After this we’re going to go to a place and do things.
Me: That tells me nothing.
Me: I heard that you can put a baby to sleep by putting a napkin on its face.
Guy: Yeah. If it has chloroform on it.
Me: Do you watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt?
Guy: I don’t watch TV.
Me: Well, that’s the end of that conversation.
Guy: I’m good pollution.
Me: I don’t think that’s a thing.
Guy: You just met one.
Me: You didn’t even text me. I could’ve been on the side of a mountain.
Wife: And whose fault would that be?
Me: Two Chainz got married. So now he has three chains.
Guy: You serious? He has three chains?
Guy: Was that your sneaker? Or…?
Me: I farted.
Guy: So it’s blood, sweat, and apparently some flatulence in between.
Me: What are some Cleveland phrases we don’t know? ‘Ride on me’?
Cleveland woman: What?
Me: It’s a phrase a Cleveland friend taught me. Like ‘I’m ridin’ on you.’
Cleveland woman: But the context.
Me: She did tell me not to say it in New York.
Cleveland woman: And yet here we are.
Me: Why are you eating my bagels? I thought you said you didn’t like them.
Wife: I want something new.
Me: But you just bought a brand new bag of bread.
Wife: But I wanted this.
Me: So let me get this straight. You wanted something new and you bought a new bag of bread, but you’re eating MY bagels that you don’t like.
Wife: I have issues.
Guy: A lot of great children’s stories begin with a murder: Bambi, Lion King, Harry Potter. Yours begins with a massacre. I think it’s a bit much.
Woman: When is the next Book of Quotes coming out?
Me: Soon. Why?
Woman: The world needs to know that I’m funny. So get on that.
Me: Ahhhh! My foot!
Guy: Oh, you crampin’? You ain’t drink no water.
Me: Shut up. I can’t stand you.
Guy: You can’t stand at all cuz your foot broke.
White guy: You know what she called me?
White guy: Colonizer.
Me: You know what would be great? Peanut butter milk.
Woman: I would personally say no. I think the flavor would confuse my head and I would need counseling.
Black guy: That show I told you about is on NBC.
Me: I know.
Black guy: I hate black people. I hate the whole black community,
Me: Do you have work today?
Woman: No. I have off for Columbus Day.
Me: Oh yeah. Because you work with kids. And kids still believe in Columbus. I remember when I first realized we don’t get off for it in college I was like, “Oh. So I guess the discovery didn’t happen?”
Me: I see your got your Netflix hat.
Guy: Netflix and chill with Jesus.
Guy: Wait. Does Netflix and chill promote something else?
Woman: I meet a lot of Spanish speakers who respond with doglike unconditional enthusiasm when you speak Spanish to them. But at hoity toity cocktail parties, historians and English professors can be total felines. “Who confuses Chris Van Allsburg and Hans Christian Andersen? Were you raised in a barn?!”
Woman: I just want to go on the record as saying I am forever seeking to be in the Book of Quotes. Just saying.
Black woman: I want mixed kids. Maybe I can find myself an Indian woman. See the thing is women are great, but they don’t have penises.
Woman: What happened to your foot?
Guy: A piano fell on it. The miracle is that nothing broke. But a blood vessel burst so there was a lot of blood all over my foot.
Woman: Talk about being covered by the blood.
Woman: Someone asked me if I was rooting for the Dodgers and I said, “No. The Angels.” And they were like, “The Angels aren’t there, you have to pick Dodgers or Red Sox.” And I was like, “No. Angels. That’s the hometown.”
Guy: But aren’t the Dodgers hometown too?
Woman: No…it’s different.
Guy: They’re both from LA.
Woman: Yeah, but…
Woman: See, I didn’t come for you when you texted me that you were “praging” for me. So leave me alone. But yeah. Thanks for “praging” for me.
Guy: Did you guys hear that it’s supposed to snow this weekend?
Me: What? Stop it!
Guy: Neither did I.