Black woman: I wanna go to West Virginia and do white people things.
Me: She needs your help. She has a white bucket list of white people things she wants to do.
White woman: Can I have a…non-white list?
Me: You can say it. A black list?
White woman: Ok. Good.
Woman #1: Every time I’d come over, you guys would be talking on the phone for 5 hours.
Woman #2: That’s a lie.
Woman #1: Clearly I’m wrong.
Woman: That’s too much. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
Indian woman: I’m gonna put my hair up.
Woman: She has a lot of hair. You want her to be here with a whole…
Me: With a hair turban? Sorry. That sounded wrong. I was going for imagery, not for racist.
Woman: I’m having a breakdown. I killed my plant. I’m not fit to be a mother!
Me: Your sermon was awesome.
Woman: Stop affirming me. I don’t need that in my life.
Woman: What are you? Blue collar or white collar?
Guy: I wear t-shirts.
Woman: I hate men.
Jamaican man: You Jamaican?
Jamaican woman: Yeah.
Jamaican man: If you have family you can stay with in Jamaica, then you’re Jamaican.
Me: That’s true. If you have a place to stay in Haiti, then you’re Haitian.
Pakistani woman: I have family I can stay with in Haiti. Am I Haitian?
Woman: Are you familiar with Murphy’s Law?
Me: Yes. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Woman: You know Cole’s Law?
Woman: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Me: What? Oh. Wow.
Me: Before Destiny’s Chid, Beyoncé was just…Destiny’s Child. But then she broke out and she’s Beyoncé now. And now she’s got a new album with Jay Z.
Guy: But people don’t really listen to her now unless they’re really a Beyoncé fan. It’s kinda like…like people who buy yachts. That’s a specific demographic of people. But regular people are like, “What the heck? I can’t afford a yacht.”
Guy: That’s your opinion. Which is subjective. Which doesn’t matter.
Me: What is happening over there?
Woman: I think he’s drunk or working out.
Me: How old are you?
Me: You’ve been 9 for a whole year.
9-year-old: 2 years, actually.
Wife: Then I went to Planet Fitness.
Me: Where was it?
Wife: In Spring Valley.
Me: I think I went there. Is it owned by Jewish people?
Wife: No. It’s owned by…Planet Fitness.
Me: Oh. Because my friend brought me to a gym to work out and I don’t remember if it was Planet Fitness or something else. But I think that Jewish people owned it.
Wife. No. It’s owned by Planet Fitness.
Me: Were there Jewish people working there?
Wife: No. It’s not the same place. It was owned by Planet Fitness.
Me: Was it in a Jewish town?
Wife: No. It was owned by Planet Fitness.
Me: Was it on a planet where there were—
Dad: Basic principle: if you’re black, you don’t eat what you don’t know.
Me: Watch our son come out a dancing machine. I’m gonna forge the next Chris Brown from my loins…that sounded weird.
Guy: I don’t like going on family vacations in other countries. My Dad and I are the only practical thinkers. “We probably shouldn’t go down that alley.” “Let’s take a picture.”
Indian girl: My Hawaiian friend was Moana at my church’s Bible camp. And the kids saw me later and were like, “Were you Moana?” And I could either play along or tell them the truth. I chose the third option. “I’m Moana’s sister.”
Me: I was gonna use an analogy, but decided not to because I don’t know enough about that topic.
Wife: Yeah. Stick to the stuff you know.
Me(singing): Stick to the status quo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Wife: I was gonna say that! Let me be funny!
Me: If someone ever raped my daughter, I would lock them in a room with a donkey high on viagra so they could see how it feels. And when they said, “Please stop!” I’d say, “That’s what she said.”
Guy: I wasn’t a big fan of High School Musical. But I have to give them credit for teaching an entire generation the meaning of “status quo”. I’m all for anything educational.
Wife: People always think you know more than you actually do. Maybe that’s your spiritual gift.
Guy: My small group leader was an Asian guy named Pablo.
Me: An Asian guy named Pablo? That doesn’t sound right.
Guy: I remember now. His name was Shoo.