Guy: Before this gets any more complicated than it already is, I’m gonna awkwardly back away and hope this all works out.
Guy: I thought I was selfless until I got married. And humble? I thought I was running for the next Gandhi office.
Guy: You’re really intense. Can you dial it back a bit? What do you do for fun? Fast?
Woman: He says things are similar that really aren’t.
Me: Like, I would say that a white woman reminds me of Halle Berry. Because she has short hair.
Guy: You are a conversational savant, aren’t you?
Guy: It smells like fish. Did you have fish today?
Guy: Then it must be your chicken. It smells like fish.
Woman: It might’ve been from when you had sardines.
Guy: You had sardines today?
Guy: Did you know sardines are fish? Because they are.
Guy: You changed your hair.
Woman: Do you like it?
Guy: I’m still deciding.
Woman: Jerk. Bye.
Me: You know when you see a white person dancing to a black song and they don’t know what to do and you’re like, “Awww. You tried.”? I wonder what the black equivalent of that is. What do white people see us do that makes them think, “Awww. You tried.”?
Black woman: Math.
Me: Black people don’t do salad. We season our chicken, but we don’t know what to do with salad.
Dad: Because only goats eat grass.
Me: What are you doing here? You’re the second person from your church I saw here today. Did your church close or something?
Guy: Can I not whore around the CMA churches?
Me: Did you know Megan Markle is half-black?
Wife: Yes you did.
Husband: Apparently I did.
Guy: Is she a vegetarian?
Woman: Pescatarian. So she eats fish.
Guy: If Jesus ate fish, we can eat it too.
Me: He also ate lamb.
Guy: And He WAS a lamb. Which means He was a cannibal. Was that His struggle?
Me: When did this happen?
Woman: Yesterday night. Not last night. How does this work again?
Me: I’m really sorry.
Woman: Thank you for your apology. It almost compensates.
Fiance: Why can’t you be normal?
Me: Cuz ‘a normal life is boring. But superstardom’s close to post-mortem.’
Me: You know where that’s from?
Me; Eminem. C’mon. You know that was clever.
Woman: Babe, you need physical touch too.
Guy: Yeah, but the level I need is different.
Woman: Probably. But it’s the same.
Me: I wonder what Cher is doing right now.
Fiance: Being old and living life.
Guy: Last night we made curry goat and Lebron was playing Curry. And the G.O.A.T. got curried.
Guy: You took the straw out of the trash?
Me: Yeah. I try to do one risky thing every day.
Guy: Enjoy herpes.
Me: What’s your favorite Mark Anthony song?
Guy: The one that’s in all Spanish.
Me: You’re gonna have to be more specific than that.
Guy: The really good one that’s in all Spanish.
Guy: I’ve been having a poop problem lately. It’s like a fountain of poop coming out of me.
Me: I don’t think I wanna hear that while I’m eating.
Guy: Oh you’re eating? You wanna hear more? It’s like a river of solid chocolate milk.
Woman: He said, “Helping only matters if there’s an audience.” That’s a direct quote. I said, “That’s a heart issue.” He said, “Yeah. It’s broken.”
Me: You guys are like the same person.
Girl: I don’t think so.
Me: You’re the extraverted version of her and she’s the introverted version of you.
Girl: That would make us two different people.
Me: I wanna play dodgeball, but I don’t have balls.
Guy: I do…You set that one up.
Wife: I asked him if he wanted to get a vasectomy or if he wanted me to get my tubes tied. And he said he wanted to get a vasectomy. And I said, “But what if I die and you get remarried to someone who wants kids?”
Husband: That’s the dumbest reason not to get a vasectomy.
Wife: But don’t you care about the other woman you might get married to?
Husband: No! Not at all!
Me: Not even a little? You mean you don’t lose sleep over this woman?
Husband: I could NOT care less.
Wife: This better be in the book of quotes.
Me: I like to adjectivize people’s names.
Guy: And verbize regulars words too apparently. Like “adjective”.
Fiancé: You’re a good man.
Me: You’re a good man too. I mean—
Fiancé: Dirty fart man.
Guy: Whoa. I definitely thought that girl over there was our age.
Me: Rule of thumb: any girl wearing khaki pants is probably too young. As a matter of fact, any girl walking outside between the hours of 3 and 5 is probably too young. At this time, girls our age are either in class or in a car.
Guy: If you want your fiancé to move in with you without people saying anything, you can dress her up as your sister. That’s what Abraham did. Then Pharaoh was creeping and God was like, “Don’t touch that.”
Woman: What translation is that? The loose translation?
Guy: You know, technically your fiancé is your sister.
Me: Yeah. My Jamaican sister. And your wife is your African sister.
Guy: My sister–with benefits.
Woman: That’s the missing piece the church needs—a black C.S. Lewis.
Me: It’s cool how you can wear your mom’s stuff and it still looks good on you.
Woman: Yeah, what’s hers is mine and what’s mine is mine, you know?
Me: Remember when I told you I accidentally waved at someone in seventh grade and they ended up waving at me for five years?
Fiance: Do you have nail clippers?
Me: You’re not even listening.
Fiance: I’m really not.
Me: A lot of older women used to be crushing on me when I was younger. And nobody my age was. I was so confused.
Dad(to finance): So he’s saying you’re an old woman.
Guy: I just came from church. And I stopped by here for 5 hours.
Me: I wonder what squirrels are thinking when they see a car coming. They don’t seem to know what to do. It’s like they never evolved the skill of crossing a street.
Woman: Yes they did. They adapted. If they didn’t, then they would be more extinct.
Me: More extinct? Not just dead?
Woman: Shut up.