Guy: I feel like I haven’t been in the Book of Quotes for years. I feel like crying.
White man(to Palestinian woman): Forgive me if this is culturally insensitive. (to Palestinian husband)Please translate.
Palestinian husband: I’m actually looking for a gun.
Woman: I recommend living by a cemetery.
Me: Top 3 reasons.
Woman: Your neighbors are quiet, you know where you’re gonna move next…
Me: And kids don’t trick or treat because they’re too scared.
Me: Why was the traffic moving so slow? There’s nothing here. There must be a term for when that happens.
Me: Where is he?
Guy: He’s delivering browns to the super bowl.
Me: Got it.
Me: So the reason we have seasons is because the Earth is titled on an axis. And one of the things that can tilt planets is a meteor shower. So what if after the fall, a meteor shower hit Earth and that’s what caused the seasons?
Guy: Or what if the Garden of Eden was Pangea?
Me and guy: YOOOOOO!!!!
Fiancé: That’s already a theory.
Guy: No. We came up with this. Don’t take this from me.
Guy: Where are your parents from?
Woman: My Dad’s from Panama and my Mom’s from Jamaica.
Guy: Where’d they meet? A boat? Wait…Sorry.
Woman: I see you have everyone on your side now.
Me: I’m like the parable that Jesus told—how a little yeast leavens the whole lump. I’m the yeast infection of the Writing Center…that sounded different in my head.
Me: The only Coldplay songs I know are “Clocks” and “How to Save a Life”.
Woman: Isn’t “How to Save a Life” The Fray?
Me: Then I guess I only know “Clocks”.
Me: I’ve noticed something when girls put on clothes.
Woman: You’ve seen this?
Me: Wait! Let me rephrase that!
Woman: Sir. You’re getting excited and loud again. Maybe you should sit down.
Woman #1: Happy belated birthday.
Woman #2: Thanks.
Woman #1: How old are you now?
Woman #2: 24.
Woman #3: 25 is big. What are you gonna do?
Woman #2: Probably take a nap.
Woman #1: I’m gonna be Rahab.
Woman #2: Is she gonna be a redeemed prostitute?
Me: She’ll be a high-class one.
Woman #2: With glasses? And a whip?
Woman #3: She’ll do an excellent job as a prostitute.
Me: That moment in the movie when she was like, “Did you imagine you were the one?” When you find out something’s not actually your calling.
Guy: Lol. Nursing.
Me: He spent the whole movie thinking the guy was his dad. Then the woman was like, “He had a daughter. Did you imagine you were the one?”
Guy: I didn’t see the movie, bro.
Me: What?!? I thought you did.
Guy: No. Was that a critical point of the movie?
Me: Yes. That was what the entire movie was about. It was like me telling you that Fiona is an ogre.
Woman: You had a point. And then you entered “Emmanuel’s World”.
Me: Hey! I haven’t seen you in a while.
Student: Who’s fault is that?
Woman #1: She bullied me into staying longer.
Woman #2: You must like her.
Woman #1: No. That sentence did not communicate that.
Student: So I asked her why she gave me such a low grade and she was like, “Given your work ethic the whole semester, I think an 80 is a good grade.” And I was thinking, “You know what? I think Hell is a good destination for you.”
Woman: You’re very generous. With your germs.
Woman: I wanna be in the Book of Quotes again for a comment about vandalism or phallic shapes. I need to keep my record.
Me: I never heard your Jamaican accent before. It’s pretty good.
Guy: I have Jamaican family members. Who don’t talk to me.
Me: Oh wow. Ok…
Fiancé: I’m dangerous.
Me: Yeah. Michael Jackson warned me about you.
Woman: At work, we had these stress balls that were shaped like trains. They were very phallic.
Guy: If I told you that I’d give you 30 million dollars, but there’s an ultra intelligent snail who’s on a mission to touch you and if touches you, you die, would you take it? Ultra intelligent. Ultra.
Woman: You have to be weird in order to be creative. You could never come up with that stuff if you were normal.
Me: Sometimes I think about the things I’ve done to you and I laugh to myself.
Woman: But you don’t even know me.
Me: What are you talking about? We don’t have anything memorable?
Woman: We don’t have memories. We have encounters.
Woman: God, you took away plan A and plan B. Plan C wasn’t even a plan. It was just there. And you took that too!
Me: She’s not gonna see this because she’s not on facebook.
Woman: I am on facebook. I’m just not your friend.