Guy: She’s been doing leadery things.
Woman: I’ve never heard that word before.
Guy: It’s a technical term. You learn it in PhD school.
Me: She said she mulches gardens. I still don’t know what mulching is.
Woman #1: Isn’t it that product people use to fertilize that smells like poop?
Woman #2: That’s because it is poop.
Guy: What are you guys talking about?
Me: She’s talking about poop.
Woman #1: Go ahead. Say what you want. It’s your world. I’m just visiting.
Woman #1: You scared me!
Me: Is it bad that that actually gave me joy?
Woman #2: It’s sadistic. That’s what that is.
Woman: You’re wasting my unlimited data.
Indian woman: Where are those cookies from?
Guy: Chips Ahoy. It’s a bakery downtown that’s really famous for their cookies.
Indian woman: I’m not a FOB.
Woman: Can I have a cup of coffee?
Me: Sure. You just want it black?
Woman: Like my soul.
Me: I feel like a success at life when babies run up to me because they know me.
Guy: That sounds like a prophecy.
Me: What does that mean?
Guy: What does prophecy mean?
Colombian man: How’s Haiti doing in the Winter Olympics?
Me: As good as Columbia.
Woman: We’ll call the professor and if he’s okay with it, great, “We’ll get you a soda and call it a day.”
Me: I prefer iced tea.
Woman: I was talking about the professor. But thank you, Emmanuel, for thinking of yourself.
Me: What is that?
Me: What’s in meatloaf?
Me: Ah yes. That makes sense.
Me: I’m writing a short story and I need some ideas. If you woke up tomorrow and you were a 14-year-old boy, what’s the first thing you would do?
Woman: Try to stick my penis in something.
Woman: Yeah, I would just go around looking for stuff to stick it in to see how it feels, you know? Like how little boys play with it.
Me: Yeah, when we’re like 4. But you’d be 14.
Woman: But I JUST got a penis!
Me: You wanna come see Black Panther with us on Tuesday?
Guy: Who else is going?
Me: Me, Yolanda, and two other couples.
Guy: So you want me to play one, two…seventh wheel? No thank you.
(After haircut) Guy: You see this chop?! I’m ready to take somebody’s woman! Not your woman, you know? But I’m ready to take somebody’s woman! If my barber cuts me like this again, I’m gonna slap him!
Me: I still don’t understand how Cardi B is famous.
Guy #1: She’s catchy.
Me: So is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Guy #2: And we bumped to that when we were kids.
Me: When we were kids. Now we’re grown adults.
Guy #2: Well, she’s the Twinkle Twinkle Little Star of the hood.
Guy #3: Oh my gosh! He just made it in the Book of Quotes. I felt it.
Woman #1: I think alcohol ruins the taste of everything.
Woman #2: Let’s pray for deliverance.
Fiance: What colors do you want the room to be?
Me: White. Like your ankles.
Fiance: Go brush your nappy head.
Woman #1: If you ever need encouragement, Emmanuel and I—
Woman #2: I will never.
Guy: I just wanna say that that was the best karaoke version of “I Believe I Can Fly” I’ve ever heard. You took us to church.