The Book of Quotes: Fall 2017 Part 1

Me: It’s gonna be the best of times and the worst of times.
Guy: I stole that book from my town library.

Me: I once was about to eat my cereal and knocked the bowl off the table.
Woman: That’s sad.
Me: And it was the last bit of cereal and milk.
Woman: Of course it was. And you want to be angry, but you realize, “I’m getting angry over cereal. I’m literally crying over spilled milk.”

Me: Does she like violins?
Woman: Who doesn’t like violins?
Guy: People who’ve had a lot of vio-LENCE in their lives.
Me: That was painfully corny.

Me: Given the way you’ve been acting, I think I deserve to be a little cranky.
Girlfriend: Do YOU have cramps? Are YOU ever gonna push a baby out from between your legs?
Me: ….ttttthat’s all folks!

Woman: My Mom used to say this weird thing when I was little. “Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Here comes your Mom with those two little guys.” I don’t know WHAT that meant.

Woman: This bullet is looking more phallic the more I draw it.

Indian woman: Where was it?
Me: A place called Karma.
Indian woman: What?
Me: Karma. Like Hinduism.
Silence
Me: That wasn’t just because you’re Indian. It was because Karma is actually…Hin…du…

Woman #1: Printers are as temperamental as people. But they’re worse because they have no souls.
Woman #2: Didn’t you compare printers to men before?

Woman #1: He said “Cream cheese is the blood that runs through my Jewish veins.”
Me: What does that mean?
Jewish guy: Jewish people love cream cheese. We invented bagels to have something to eat cream cheese on because people were upset that we kept eating cream cheese raw. I totally just made that up.
Woman #2: Kendrick is not loud enough to block out this insanity.

Me: Would you notice if I took your apple away?
Woman: Yes. Because I bring one every day.
Me: To keep the doctor away?
Woman: I don’t like physicians.

Woman: Space X sounds like space sex.
Me: How would space sex work? Biologically.
Woman: And it’s run by the guy who used to own Virgin Mobile.
Me: Wow. And isn’t it weird that ever since we went to the moon, we haven’t heard of any other countries going to the moon?
Woman: I haven’t thought about that.
Me: Space sex?
Woman: No. I think about that a lot actually.
Silence.
Woman: That’s not what I meant.

Woman: Denim is not my favorite color, it’s my favorite textile.
Me: “Textile” is a word I’ve never had to say in my life up until this point.
Woman: You’re welcome.

Guy: I like how it says “brown sugar”, but it’s not brown sugar. Brown sugar is made from molasses. And this(smells sugar). Oh wait. It is brown sugar.

Woman: Hey. How’s it going?
Guy: Is that to me or Emmanuel?
Woman: I already saw Emmanuel. I was talking to the printer. But hey! How are you?

Woman #1: Oh! She asked for a sandwich!
Woman #2: She got engaged?!
Woman #1: No! This is how rumors start.
Woman #3: But engaged and sandwich actually makes sense to me.

Woman #1: He’s petite.
Woman #2: You shouldn’t call guys petite. Maybe small-framed.
Me: Yeah. It’s like calling a girl big. You wouldn’t say, “You look really big in that outfit.”
Woman #3: You could say thick. Thick with 2 c’s.
Me: Hehe. That’s a double entendre.
Guy: How?
Me: 2 c’s?
Women: What?
Me: Never mind. Just go back to petite.

Me: I feel like she said something snarky and we missed it.
Guy: Like when your professor starts crying and you missed what he said before. That happened to me yesterday. But I was able to guess what it was and I was right. But I felt so cold and calculated because I had to think, “What makes people cry?”
Silence.
Guy: Hi. My name is 10925.
Woman: What?
Guy: That was me introducing myself as a robot because I was cold and calculated.
Me: The lag. There was a window of time and it passed.
Woman: It’s out of context now. I had already decided that the conversation was over.

White woman #1: You guys are wearing the same shirt. Did you plan that?
Me: No.
White woman #2: Is it a Haitian thing?
Me: Yeah. Haitian’s wear blue on Thursdays.
White woman #2: So it’s like Haitian persuasion.
Me: Exactly. Is there white insight?
White woman #2: Entitlement.

Woman: There’s something yellow on my shoulder. Is that doo doo? You think it’s bird doo doo?
Me: No. Bird doo doo is white.
Woman: Is there any other animal that has yellow doo doo?
Me: People.
Woman: Dear Jesus.

Guy: Manhattan is New York County. Queens is Queens County. Brooklyn is Kings County. And Bronx is the really weird one. Bronx County.

Guy: It’s usually a red flag when someone says something Satan has said.

Jewish guy: I have a joke, but I have to say it in an accent.
Me: What is it?
Jewish guy(in accent): “They always tell me, ‘It never hurts to ask.’ But I say, ‘What about the Spanish Inquisition’?
Me: That’s hilarious! But why did you have to say it in an accent?
Jewish guy: I don’t know. It just seemed better coming from an old Jewish guy.

Guy: I’m gonna pretend I’m not here so I can be here and get work done.

Woman #1: I’m sorry, I had a lot of coffee this morning.
Me: Did you eat anything?
Woman #2: She had some cauliflower.
Woman #1: And some carrots.
Woman #2: I hope there’s cheesy potatoes at the caf tonight.
Me: That’d be awesome. Then you would have had coffee, cauliflower, carrots, and cheesy potatoes. And all you’ll need is—
Woman #1: I had a wake-up wrap from Dunkin Donuts too!
Me: I was going for the “C” theme.
Woman #1: It had sausages in it…which starts…with an…s.
Me: You really do need to wake up.

Me: So I jumped from one building to the next and when I landed, I messed up my shoulder. And afterwards I was thinking, “What did I do wrong and how could I fix it so it doesn’t happen again next time?”
Woman #1: So is it a brain issue?
Woman #2: Why are you asking me?
Woman #1: Because you’re the intercessor. I don’t know if this is something that can be prayed through.
Me: I used it in a sermon. I’m not telling you to jump off buildings too. Everyone has their own buildings. It could be a job interview rejection. Failing a class. A bad break-up.
Woman: See how he justifies his actions? Prayer can change that.

Me: How long have you been doing youth ministry?
Woman: My whole life.
Me: So you came out the womb doing it?
Woman: Yeah, they were like, “Babysit the kids!” And I was like, “I have to change MY diaper! I can’t change theirs!”

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