Girlfriend(to me): Stop staring. You’re a black man and they’re old white people.
Guy: Jesus washed people’s feet. It’s biblical.
Me: I’ve always wondered what the modern equivalent would be. Maybe washing each other’s drawers.
Guy: Ok! It was nice seeing you!
Me: Did you recognize which quotes were yours?
Girlfriend: Yes. They all said “girlfriend”.
Me: What’s the purpose of a chair?
Kids: To sit on!
Me: Is it to stand on?(standing on chair)
Me: Is it to do a handstand on?(doing handstand on chair)
8-year-old: That’s impressive! But no.
Me: This is a 200 year-old culture I’m fighting against.
Girl: How old are you?
Girl: Then it’s 27 years.
Me: I can’t stand you.
Me: There’s a particular female laugh women do that let’s me know it’s girl code and I don’t need to ask questions.
Girl #1: He’s very observant.
Girl #2: He IS very observant. He just doesn’t know how to interpret it.
Me: I feel like a zoologist observing animals.
Girl #2: So you’re calling us animals?
Me: No…I just…specimens.
Me: I’m glad you guys came on time.
Girl: What time does it start?
Girl: Oh. My mom said 5.
Girl: That’s what I do. I call people rude now.
Me: Yeah? You say rude, you say “sis”, you have an accent…
Girl: I dew? I mean, “I do?”
Girl: I hate the sound of my voice. I was just listening to myself in my mind.
Me: What does that mean?
Girl: I was listening to myself talk, but I wasn’t talking. It was just in my head.
Me: You realize how crazy that sounds, right?
Me: You hear that R&B?
Girlfriend: That’s Celine Dion, babe.
Guy #1: Have you ever heard of chocolate Cheerios?
Me: There’s chocolate Cheerios?
Guy #1: Yeah. They’re fantastic.
Guy #2: You know what I like? The garlic parmesan Cheerios.
Me: Do you dance?
Guy: No. But I frolic.
Me: Frolic? What does that mean?
Guy: You’ve never heard the word frolic before? You don’t know that verb?
Me: I do. I’ve just never heard someone say frolic as an alternative to dancing.
Me: Just to be clear, I am NOT engaged. The pictures you see are from my cousin’s engagement party. Hence why Yolanda is not in any of them.
Guy: Why not? Get together. Put a ring on it or some other guy will. Step up, son. Tell her you love her and need her for life. Instead of flipping against a wall, walk down the aisle.
Me: Listen. This is all just a strange case of misinterpretation. Everybody just calm down.
Guy: I am Irish, Italian, Greek, and Spanish. I do not calm down.
Me: I don’t think I have a fluency problem when I’m speaking Spanish. When I speak English, I do this thing where I stop and pause because I can’t come up with the word I wanna say. And I do the same thing in Spanish.
Girlfriend: Oh. So it’s a brain defect.
Guy: There are a lot of things in life I don’t get. Like why your GPA is the way it is.
Me: What’s that song?
Guy #1: “Hang On” by Kierra Sheard.
Guy #2: You’ve been hanging onto that weight.
Guy #1: What’s your GPA again?
Woman #1: I’m a veterinarian.
Woman #2: So you must be a vegetarian.
Me: It doesn’t work that way.
Woman #2: Why not? If I was a doctor, I wouldn’t eat my patients.
Girlfriend: Take your time, babe.
Me: I’m sorry, I’m hungry.
Girlfriend: It’s not about being hungry. It’s etiquette.
Me: Etiquette was invented by people who never went hungry.
Me: What’s tong sui?
Girl: It’s like tong? And sui? Together. Usually it’s tong or sui, but this time it’s together.
Me: I can’t stand you.
Girl #1: I think Lady M is better.
Girl #2: Who’s pregnant?
Girl #1: This is how rumors start.
Girl: What’s that taste that’s like chicken?
Girl: Hey. Calm down. Don’t call her that.
Girl: She’s gonna be like, “They had me out of wedlock!”
Boy: What does wedlock mean?
Me: When you have a baby and you have your wife in a headlock.
Guy: We’re the closest thing you can get to God. Totally joking. That was really ethnocentric…I just realized that made no sense without context. I’m Jewish.
Guy: Me throwing my pride in people’s faces is a form of humility because I’m humiliating myself by showing how prideful I am.
Guy: You always have very systematic ways of doing unimportant things.
Guy: I’m walking the fine line between procrastination and patience.
Woman: I’m learning not to say anything around Emmanuel.
Woman: That’s called a boundary. And we like to have those around here.
Guy: You remind me of a Disney character.
Girl: Okay. I think you mean that as a compliment so…thank you.
Guy: Not a specific Disney character, but something about you just reminds me of Disney.
Me: As in, when the Disney artists were drawing the Disney princesses, they used her face as a template.
Girl: Wow. Thank you!
Guy: That’s kind of what I meant, but you took it away from me. So you suck.
Guy: You definitely don’t drink enough alcohol.
Me: That sounds like something an alcoholic would say.
Guy: I’m not an alcoholic. I’m just saying you need to drink more alcohol to develop your palate. Your palate is 15 when you’re 28.
Guy: And you should smoke cigars.
Guy: A beard adds like 6 years to a guy.
Me: Yeah. You’re like 57.
Guy: Don’t ever say that to me again.
Woman #1: I’m sorry I can’t be perfect. It wouldn’t be fair to everyone else in the world. You know? I have to leave some stuff for other people to—
Woman #2: Is that window open? I wanna jump out of it.
Woman: You are what you eat. So let’s not eat pork.
Boyfriend: You know Kevin Durant is my age?
Girlfriend: Honey, you gotta step your game up. You see all that money he has?
Guy: What are you writing?
Guy: I don’t give a flying crap if I made it in your freaking book tonight. It sucks and I don’t want any part of it.