Guy: Better safe than sued, you know?
Girl: It’s like 120 years old. Plus tax.
Guy: Nothing says come to Jesus like waking up on Valentine’s Day and seeing your ex outside the window in all her glory, smiling without a care in the world because she’s more emotionally healthy than I am.
Woman: I think sex is overrated. I don’t think it’s as great as people make it out to be.
Me: Hopefully I can prove you wrong…Let me rephrase that.
Guy: I’m just waiting for the Lord to reveal to me when is the right time to dunk on Emmanuel.
Guy: Don’t worry. I WILL make it inappropriate.
Guy: I can’t pray in tongues. Can you pray in tongues?
Woman #1: No.
Guy: Can you?
Woman #2: No.
Guy: My gosh. We’re like the most unholy spiritual directors.
Guy#1: Why are your hands so sweaty?
Guy #2: It’s not sweat. It’s oil.
Guy #3: Have you been anointed recently or are you just gross?
Me: The Bible says not to answer a fool according to his folly.
Girl: I’m not talking to you anymore. You insulted me biblically. That’s the worst kind of insult.
Me: So BJ’s is bascially Costco’s little brother?
Guy: Or the thot sister.
Guy: I mean, it’s bj’s.
Me: We can crack open a case of Monster together.
Guy: Nice. You know how guys usually crack open a case of beer? We’ll do that with Monster.
Me: Cuz we’re saved.
Guy: Well…um…yeah. Sure.
Guy: You’re just going through the phase where something’s wrong with you.
Guy #1: Supposedly Monster is the Devil’s drink. So we’re all sinning right now.
Me: Well, that’s fine. As long as you prayed before you drank it.
Guy #2: Well, I didn’t. So I guess I opened a door. I’m done for.
Guy #1: Not if you give God the key to the door you opened.
Guy #2: I think something’s wrong with that theology.
Me: Are you going to the Latin Dance Night tonight?
Guy: What Latin Dance Night?
Me: People told me there’s a Latin Dance Night.
Guy: There’s a reggae night. They probably thought “Oh reggae. That’s like reggaeton. Latin Dance Night!” But that’s not how that works.
Me(taps woman’s shoulder): I’m so sorry! I thought you were a student.
Mother: From behind? I’ll take it.
Guy: Bruce Lee be like, “Be like water.” And water be like, “Nah. Be like Bruce Lee.”
Husband: I’m gonna be gone all spring break. So she’s going to spend all week staring at my picture. Because that’s what I want her to do.
Wife: And it is my job to obey him.
Guy: I hear cutting trees helps release pent up sexual energy.
Me: Who said that?
Guy: Rocky Balboa.
Me: Wow. That’s symbolic.
Guy: Yeah. You’re chopping down wood.
Guy: All are contempt. Like Shakespeare said.
Me: What play was that?
Guy: Romeo and Juliet.
Me: All are contempt? Or condemned?
Guy: All are…contempt. Except he said it in Old English…verbage that I don’t…
Guy #1: So Harry brought the egg to the bathroom and Moaning Myrtle was like, “The last guy opened the egg underwater because, you know, it’s a mermaid egg and mermaids live under water. So he did and figured out the riddle.
Guy #2: Hold on. Who was the 15th president of the United States?
Guy#1: I don’t know.
Guy #2: What’s John 14:6?
Guy #1: I don’t know.
Guy #2: You can’t watch Harry Potter and know all the details and not know those basic facts!
Guy #1: I’m sorry. I just don’t.
Guy #2: What does 2 Timothy 3:16 say?
Guy #1: It says something.
Guy #2(singing): Lord, I’m hurting.
Me: I’m wanna see how many worship songs I can apply to different situations.
Girl: I’m going to the bathroom.
Me(singing): Let it rain.
Me: This bookshelf. I forgot it was there.
Guy #1: Do you have something against the bookshelf?
Guy #2: Get it? Because there are books against the shelf?
Guy #1: Aaaand scene! Our people will call your people. That’s all we need from you today. You can go now.
Me: I saw you and thought of calling you Pierro. Would that have offended you?
Brazilian man: No. I’ve dealt with racism my whole life.
Me: Do you have any celebrity crushes?
Girl: No! I hate celebrities. If I were gonna have a crush on someone, it’d be a dead person who’s done something inspiring with their life.
Me: Like Agatha Christie.
Girl: She’s a woman.
Me: I…I meant…
Girl #1: There are plenty of inspiring women. Like Beatrix Potter.
Me: Who is that? Is she from Harry Potter?
Girl #1: She wrote Peter Rabbit.
Girl #2: Basically, don’t talk to Emmanuel about anything cultured.
Girl: Your jokes need context to be remotely funny.
Me: We should go to Amici’s. You wanna add that to the bucket list?
Me: But we’d have to order lactose-free pizza right?
Girl: No. By then I’ll have magically regained my lactose tolerance.
White girl: Are you guys moonwalking backwards?
Spanish girl: Ummm…that’s a little redundant.
White girl: Sorry. I’m white.
Me: Don’t worry. I didn’t know who Beatrix Potter was.
Girl: Wait. Don’t you write children’s books?
Me: Thank you for adding another layer of shame to it.
Me: Do you have lotion?
Girl: Yeah, but it smells like a thousand wishes.
Me: Next to racism, the worst part about being black is ashyness. It’s like racism on your skin.
Me: Wait. Why do you wear lotion? Is it just because of the smell?
Guy: Are you really asking her why she wears lotion because she’s white?
Me: I wonder what they said to Jesus when He sneezed. “Bless yourself.”?
Girl: Probably, “Couldn’t You fix that if You wanted to?”
(Reading ice cream box)
Me: “Lactose-free ice cream: Easy to digest.” As opposed to…
Girl: Difficult to digest.
Me: I imagined people choking on it because they couldn’t swallow it.
Girl: That’s swallowing. That’s different from digestion. You were a bio major? Where’s your degree? Let’s look together.
Me: I don’t apologize to you when I do something stupid?
Girl: I do recall the times you’ve done something stupid. I don’t recall the times you’ve apologized for the aforementioned stupidity.
(Talking about spoon assassins)
Guy: I’m sad that no one died today.
Me: Context is important here.
Me: My contribution to the women’s menstrual cycle is admitting that I know nothing of the pain of the women’s menstrual cycle. So I choose not to make any jokes about periods.
Girl: Good. Or else you’d have blood on your hands.
Guy: If I was a woman and a man was making fun of my periods, I’d tell him, “Say that again and I’ll shove your face up my uterus and drown you in my blood.”
Me: Your heart is a gun and feelings are bullets. Some girls are trigger happy and keep shooting at everybody.
Guy: If you’re getting shot at, you’re living in the wrong neighborhood.
Guy #1: What time is the YFS lock-in?
Guy #2: I don’t know.
Guy #1: Aren’t you a YFS student?
Guy #2: Aren’t you shutting up?
Me: You are one of the most annoying people in my life. But I have to admit, your eyebrows are on fleek.
Girl: My trybrows?
Girl: I try hard to keep them on fleek.
Me: Do you wanna come to an open mic with me and your best friend tonight?
Girl: I can’t. My Moana viewing party is tonight. I guess fakemmanuel won’t be coming.
Girl: There are too many people in the world. And by too many, I mean everyone.
Guy: She paints. In Japanese.
Guy: When is y a vowel? They never said when, they just said sometimes.
Girl: I can’t get in touch with her. She hasn’t responded ever since I sent her that picture of my face looking like a foot.
Me: I’m excited.
Guy: I’m Yahveh. Nice to meet you.
Guy: Someone left their drum sticks.
Me: Did they leave wings?
Guy: I don’t get it. You’re gonna have to explain it. Unless you’re gonna chicken out.
Me: There are different levels of corniness. There’s tolerable corniness. There’s really bad corniness. And then there’s you.
Guy: I’m honored.
Me: I’m Emmanuel.
Guy: I thought you were excited. Sounds like you have an identity crisis.
Guy #1: Did anybody feel that poem on their skin? I felt all the hairs on my body go WOOP! That’s a fact. Nutrition facts.
Guy #2: They’re on the back of the bar!
Guy #1: I am free to be me in He.
Me: That was quintessential Christianese.
Guy #2: That hurt my soul. It was fantastically bad.
(After a hard hi five)
Girl: It’s ok. It’s the pain of friendship.
Me: She’s Finnish.
Girl: Finished with what?
Me: No, she’s Finnish. She’s from Finland.