Me: Didn’t you tell me there was only one Ginger Ale left?
Me: Then why is there another one?
Guy: Sorry. My glasses are expired.
Girl: Let me do your make-up.
Me: No! What do you gain from this?
Girl: It’ll be funny!
Me: You know what would be funny? Putting spiders in your cereal.
Girl: How would that be funny?
Me: The same way you don’t want spiders in your cereal, I don’t want make-up on my face.
Girl: Give the make-up kit to her since you don’t need it.
Me: I don’t know. Maybe I could put some on since you guys were so set on making me up.
Girl: That’s gay.
Me: Exactly. Tell that to her.
Girl: No. It’s gay for you to do makeup without us. I still would’ve liked to do your makeup.
Me: That makes no sense. “We wanna get you drunk and high to drown your problems away.” “That sounds depressing.” “Not if you do it with friends!”
Me: It made sense in my head.
Girl: Screw you and your cows.
Girl: No two eyebrows are fleeked the same.
Guy #1: Married life can be hard. Sometimes I’ll be like, “God you gotta help me with this.”
Guy #2: Like what, doing her hair?
Guy #1: No. That’s not…that’s not a normal thing that married couples do.
Guy #2: So you’re not doing her hair?
Guy #1: No. Where did you…?
Guy #2: What’s the matter?
Guy #1: I’m trying to figure out what TV show you watched that gave you that idea.
Guy #1: How’s the champagne?
Me: It’s the best tasting urine in here.
Guy #2: I’m about to go to the bathroom. I can give you some real good urine. Aged to perfection.
Me: What if black hair isn’t stubborn and you’re just trying to make it do something it wasn’t designed to do? Like boys in the education system. Sitting them there for 8 hours a day in a chair when they’re supposed to be outside running wild and free.
Black girl: Go climb a tree.
Girl: She speaks 4 different languages: English, Tamil, sass, and super sass.
Me: What do you like to read?
Girl: Usually books.
Girl: It was dirty when you said it. But what I was doing was being a child of God and thinking in righteousness.
Girl #1: My hand is itching me. Is there a Haitian saying for that?
Me: Yeah. My Mom used to say something.
Girl #1: In Jamaica they say you’re gonnna get money.
Me: Oh yeah. That’s right.
Girl #2: Technically, it’s vitamin deficiency.
Girl: It’s just so hard because…
Me: Because this is who you are. So if you put it on paper and they reject it, they’re rejecting who you are.
Girl: I was gonna say it’s hard to articulate. But thank you for adding an entirely new layer of fear to my already existing problem.
Me: I can’t do a French accent. And it doesn’t make sense because I speak French.
Guy(with accent): Zis is funny, heh heh?
Me: That pisses me off because you don’t even speak French. It’s like finding out an athiest can speak in tongues. You don’t deserve this!
Guy: Oh my gosh. You are so obnoxiously Caribbean.
Guy: In the name of Bruce Wayne. What are you doing?
Me: Any kind of coffee is gross. It’s like different flavors of urine.
Guy: I remember when I was ignorant.
Girl: See if I don’t cross the horizon to find you and snatch your soul. See if I don’t find the line where the sky meets the sea and cut you with it. See if I don’t drown you in this very convenient ocean with no witnesses.
Me: Oh word? See if I don’t smile at a tree and bop you with coconuts. See if I don’t kill an eel then make you swallow its guts. See if I don’t turn you into a tapestry on my skin of all the victories I win.
Girl: Lady Gaga’s so versatile. Her jazz voice is bangin’. She did something with Tony Bennet.
Me: Yeah. And she did something with Frank Sinatra.
Girl: Frank Sinatra is dead.
Me: Oh. I meant…
Girl: You meant Tony Bennet.
Girl: It’s okay. You’re still cool. Just laught it off.
Guy: You can’t get your goatee done, get your taper, and be preaching and licking your lips. You’re gonna make someone stumble and fall.
Guy: I know nothing of what you said, but I can imagine and understand.
Me: I don’t want her to let the cat out of the bag.
Guy: But what kind of cat is this? Does it have a name? If there were two bowls of food out and other cats in the house, would it wait for the other cats to eat or would it be like “Screw this.”?
Me(to Black woman): Is that your hair?
Me: What I should have said was: “Your hair is nice.” And then—
Black woman: Nothing. You should have left it at that.
Basketball player pretends to be fouled
Guy: He should get a Grammy for that.
Me: Grammy’s are for music.
Guy: Exactly. He’s in the wrong sport.
Me: I’ve got a problem. 3 months ago, I had waves. Then I got a haircut and now I don’t have waves.
Guy: What’d you use?
Me: The 360 waves.
Guy: I told you not to use that.
Me: I didn’t at first. I didn’t backslide immediately.
Guy: You’re supposed to always be consecrated with olive oil.
Me: Are you playing in the tournament?
Guy: No. My Grilfriend’s coming that weekend. I was gonna have her watch me play, but I would rather just kiss her.
Guy: I use oil for my waves. I anoint my head like David until my cup runs over.
Me: That’s good. And then His love crashes over you in wave after wave.
Guy: Because He makes me brave.
Girl: I got a new mixtape. It’s called GPA and it’s about to drop.
Woman: Emmanuel thinks he’s an expert on women because he had one cramp and doesn’t think he’s pretty.
Guy: Isn’t it interesting how there are so many Big Foot sightings, but no one ever has a camera? It’s like, “I saw Big Foot. I was staring at him for like 20 minutes. Then it occurred to me that I should take a picture. But then the highly intelligent Big Foot realized I was about to do this and began to walk away. Did I mention I was in a forest? I could see through all the trees, but somehow all of a sudden, I couldn’t see Big Foot anymore.”
Guy: The one thing I’m not looking forward to about Heaven is not having food.
Me: Where’d you hear that? We’re gonna have a wedding feast, remember?
Guy: Oh nice. I bet Jesus knows how to cook that chicken right.
Guy: I love the night. There’s something really spiritual about darkness. I hope there’s night in Heaven.
Me: I’m pretty sure there isn’t. But you can keep hoping.
Guy: Well I hope my room has a dimmer.
Me: Enjoy class.
Girl: I won’t. But thanks for the sentiment.
Guy #1: If Big Foot’s that big, we should be able to see him.
Guy #2: If Big Foot’s that mythical, he can do whatever he wants.
Woman: If Chic-Fil-A was a man, I would marry him.
Woman #1: It’s more common to find a male gynecologist than a woman checking men’s prostrates.
Woman #2: Because people don’t really like penises.
Woman: Would you feel uncomfortable having to check a man for a prostrate exam?
Nurse: I’ve seen a lot of penises. So no.
Me: It’s like in the Old Testament how God made the Israelites name their lambs and treat them like pets so when they sacrificed them, they would feel His pain from having to sacrifice His Son.
Me: Yeah. I’m pretty sure that’s how it worked. Or wait. Never mind. I’m probably completely wrong.
Woman: You can’t just say something is biblical and then be like, “Oh no. Just forget what I said, I’m probably wrong.” You’re like 80 percent of American preachers.
Woman #1: What are 3 things you would like about being a woman?
Me: Being photogenic.
Woman #1: Not all women are photogenic.
Me: Ok. Having compassion.
Woman #2: You think women have compassion?! Have you met me?!
Me: Fine. Being argumentative.
Guy: I was always intrigued by Harley Quinn’s character. Purely because it was sexual.
Me: What superhero movies do you like?
Guy: I like the first Spider-Man, the first Iron Man…all the Hulk movies.
Guy: Just kidding.
Me: That’s like saying, “I listen to a lot of really doctrinally sound preachers: Tim Keller, John Piper…Rob Bell.”
Me: I think I have a cramp. I can’t have cramps. I have things to do.
Woman: You have things to do? Remember that time you had a cramp and you called out of work? Pathetic. I had cramps yesterday. Debillitating. You know where I was? In my office. DOING MY JOB! Why? Because I’m a woman and I’m not about to let some little cramp slow me down. “You have things to do.” Your mother had things to do when she was giving birth to you. Did that stop her? No.
Me: I was…kidding.
Woman: When does the snow start?
Guy: Tonight at 11.
Woman: Really? Yes!
Guy: I know, right? It’s like(singing) “Make His paise! Glo-rious!”
Guy: You look like a young 5-year-old.
Me: As opposed to an old 5-year-old?
Guy: Just let it rock, bro. I was going somewhere.
Guy #1: I don’t cry. I express myself in other ways.
Guy #2: Crying is a normal human experience. That’s like saying, “I don’t drink water. I get hydrated in other ways.”
Guy: Ben Aflec becoming Batman is a sign of the End Times.